Let me tell you, I do not share common thoughts with most of my friends about dating or marriage. I'm simply different. I am not a girl who has dreamed about my wedding day since I was 5. I didn't even really think about it until I was 19 or 20. I didn't know it was so common to dream up such a day at such a young age. "She's dreamed about this day ever since she was a little girl." Is that really true?! Sure, I liked dressing up and playing barbies...but I did not picture myself getting married to anyone other Ken. That may sound incredibly stupid, but, my brain didn't comprehend such a concept. Something could be wrong with me.
Let's be real here. My parents were married twice (to each other) and divorced twice. By the time I was seven, they weren't married anymore, so for most of my life I was raised by my mother. My mom had to be both parents for a good long while. I didn't see a good example of what marriage was in my home growing up. I didn't even really see an example of love (other than a mother's love) until I was 12 when my mom met Randy. How could I dream of something I'd never knew was there? Sure, I had crushes on boys at school but, really...the kind of love I would dream about later was not anywhere in my mind.
I grew up mainly without a father. I had father figures, but not my father. I didn't know how broken I was until I was "dating." I had built up a brick wall around my heart and all of those stories and experiences I had during my life were off limits. Those stories were saved for me, God and my best friend. There are things you don't want to share, especially when you don't have a foundation of trust. Building a wall is easy. Breaking it down is the hardest road you'll ever embark upon. I cried a lot. I was mean to a lot of people because of my own insecurities. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of said insecurities. I dated certain boys because of what I thought I wanted.
I made a list of what I thought I wanted. I love when you think you're in control of your own life. I love that God can change your heart and your mind in a matter of seconds. After dating a guy for almost two years because he fit what I thought I wanted for the rest of my life, God opened my eyes. I almost instantly decided it wasn't a relationship I should be in and tried to play "fix it". I thought maybe if things changed we'd work out. That made it worse.
God knows what is best for you. Listening is the hardest part. I'm apart of a generation that wants things now. No one wants to wait, they want to know where life is headed right this instant.
God must have a really good sense of humor and an immense amount of patience.
I threw away the list. I know there are certain things I need in a man but I can't expect a man to look a certain way, act a certain way and just "be" a certain way. There is no way that would ever be attainable. I know I need a man who loves Jesus more than me and that has a genuine heart. I know I need a man that understands what it means to serve me and I him.
I don't find marriage to be about attraction (although we should have a chemistry) or about how well our personalities mesh. I find marriage to be a covenant before God to serve together and follow Him. I find marriage to be a companionship.
Only God knows.
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