I've learned several lessons in this short amount of time and I thought I'd share.
First of all, when God blesses you, thank Him and accept the blessing. Even when you think a specific blessing isn't what you expected or even wanted, a blessing is a blessing from God. This is one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned and I've relearned in the last 30 days. Every good and perfect thing comes from above. I have to remind myself every day of the blessings in my life. I tend to take things for granted and am unappreciative, until I don't have them anymore. There are so many blessings we all receive that we don't/won't ever deserve, but God is gracious and merciful in so many ways. I am so incredibly thankful for the things that I have and am really trying to learn to be okay with the things that I need rather than the things that I want.
Most everyone who knows me knows that I am a very impatient gal. I want things instantaneously and that's just not in the cards for me. I can wait for 9 hours to eat a meal every day because I'm busy, but I'm so glued to my phone, that I can barely wait 5 minutes for a response to a text or email that I sent. After a period of an hour or two, I feel like people are upset with me if they don't respond quickly enough. Phones should not dictate our lives. Boy, did I learn that over the last month. It's a good thing that my phone is broken right now, because to be completely honest, not being glued to my phone over the last couple days has been really liberating. I am able to pay more attention to what I'm doing and who I'm with rather than who is texting me and what Facebook says every 30 seconds.
Also on being impatient, everything else in my life becomes difficult because I am not a patient girl, haha. When things are not going the way I planned or I have a goal that I want accomplished, I expect results immediately...which is not always (really ever) plausible. I was promoted last month and I have an incredibly high expectation of myself to know everything there is to know already, without being trained. That's impossible. I'm learning something new every day, more than once a day. I get frustrated because I don't want to have to ask for help or to admit that I don't know how to do something, even though I have plenty of people to lean on for support.
That is just a tiny example--but it's every day. My AC is never cold fast enough, my texts don't send quickly enough, cleaning takes too long, etc. I'm so go, go, go that I don't take the time to appreciate the beauty in life and the little things that make my life worth while.
I'm 23. I have to remind myself that I'm young and it's okay that I'm not married or have kids yet--a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies and I feel like I'm way behind. I know that's incredibly inaccurate! After having my nephew for 9 days last week when my sister was in Italy, I'm quite aware of how unprepared I am for a child at this very moment. My prayer for the last year has been to help me achieve patience and to be joyful as I wait patiently for the man God has in store for me. I've been single for a year and 5 days. That may seem ridiculous that I know exactly how long it has been, but for everyone who doesn't know, this is the longest I've been single in quite some time.
I had raised standards and not many have met them.
I've seen a couple people over the last year, but things didn't mesh well.
It's an awesome accomplishment that I didn't just settle for anyone and I KNOW that I'm not running in circles--I know God has a plan.
I get frustrated because I don't know the plan, but get so excited because I know His plan is so much grander than my own.
The last couple of weeks, I've been really convicted to spend more time in the word and in prayer. It's amazing how much more confident and in control I feel when I'm prepared. I was listening to Pandora on the way home from a friend's house the other day and just broke down in tears as I sang "You are my desire, No one else will do. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend." I do desire a closer relationship with God and I'm having a ball digging into the word every day. I wake up feeling better and I feel better throughout the day than when I don't make the time to do so. How would you feel if someone you're supposed to be super close to and you would do anything for just stopped talking to you or growing farther away from you over the course of a few months? Rejected and hurt. I guarantee it. I don't want to be ignored, so I don't want to ignore the most important things in my life just because I don't make time.
It shouldn't come down to me crying to make me realize something. That's also a huge lesson I've learned. I've stopped making people and things a priority when they've only made me an option. Working so hard for someone else's attention is exhausting and painful. You can't make someone feel a certain way about you or anything in life. You can only give your best and if that's not good enough, move on. Other people's perception of you does not equal your worth. Not even close.
All of this brings me to the biggest and hardest lesson/application I've been struggling with this month. Forgiveness.
That word makes me cringe.
It shouldn't.
As Christians, we're taught that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and you're forgiven. If Jesus could die on a cross for me, why the heck can't I forgive other people?
I have to be broken, that's why.
I have to break down this wall that I've had for years to let real emotion in.
I have to be vulnerable and I have to open myself up to be hurt again.
I'm so used to just putting hurt away and not dealing with it because then, it's not hurting me-it's just a memory in my book that I'll go through later.
I've had a huge fear of rejection my whole life because of my childhood and certain things I've been through. I am usually able to put that away and just put a front up so that I don't have to be afraid. That door was busted WIDE open this month. Fear makes us crazy. Fear makes us doubt everything about ourselves and our abilities.
Forgiving others means facing those fears and the rejections or whatever else happened. I used to think forgiving others meant that I was excusing someone's actions as if they never happened. I'm 23 and it just now clicked that that isn't the case. Just because we're forgiven, doesn't mean that our actions were approved.
This lesson is applicable every day for so many different situations.
Whether it's the fact that Bob stole my pencil or that my dad walked out on me when I was a kid, it needs to be forgiven. We all need to move on and stop living in the hurt and rejection of life. We're not getting anywhere and we're holding on to this icky feeling. For what?
I know this is uber long, but, the last month I've so many thoughts rushing through my noggin. I'm thinking of starting a summer Bible study because fellowship is awesome! If you're interested, let me know :)
