June...Already?

The last month has flown by extremely quickly and I'm still astounded that it is June 6, 2013. So many different things, good and bad, have happened over the last month that to finally sit back and look at it as a whole is baffling. 

I've learned several lessons in this short amount of time and I thought I'd share. 

First of all, when God blesses you, thank Him and accept the blessing. Even when you think a specific  blessing isn't what you expected or even wanted, a blessing is a blessing from God. This is one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned and I've relearned in the last 30 days. Every good and perfect thing comes from above. I have to remind myself every day of the blessings in my life. I tend to take things for granted and am unappreciative, until I don't have them anymore. There are so many blessings we all receive that we don't/won't ever deserve, but God is gracious and merciful in so many ways. I am so incredibly thankful for the things that I have and am really trying to learn to be okay with the things that I need rather than the things that I want. 

Most everyone who knows me knows that I am a very impatient gal. I want things instantaneously and that's just not in the cards for me. I can wait for 9 hours to eat a meal every day because I'm busy, but I'm so glued to my phone, that I can barely wait 5 minutes for a response to a text or email that I sent. After a period of an hour or two, I feel like people are upset with me if they don't respond quickly enough. Phones should not dictate our lives. Boy, did I learn that over the last month. It's a good thing that my phone is broken right now, because to be completely honest, not being glued to my phone over the last couple days has been really liberating. I am able to pay more attention to what I'm doing and who I'm with rather than who is texting me and what Facebook says every 30 seconds. 

Also on being impatient, everything else in my life becomes difficult because I am not a patient girl, haha. When things are not going the way I planned or I have a goal that I want accomplished, I expect results immediately...which is not always (really ever) plausible. I was promoted last month and I have an incredibly high expectation of myself to know everything there is to know already, without being trained. That's impossible. I'm learning something new every day, more than once a day. I get frustrated because I don't want to have to ask for help or to admit that I don't know how to do something, even though I have plenty of people to lean on for support. 

That is just a tiny example--but it's every day. My AC is never cold fast enough, my texts don't send quickly enough, cleaning takes too long, etc. I'm so go, go, go that I don't take the time to appreciate the beauty in life and the little things that make my life worth while. 

I'm 23. I have to remind myself that I'm young and it's okay that I'm not married or have kids yet--a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies and I feel like I'm way behind. I know that's incredibly inaccurate! After having my nephew for 9 days last week when my sister was in Italy, I'm quite aware of how unprepared I am for a child at this very moment. My prayer for the last year has been to help me achieve patience and to be joyful as I wait patiently for the man God has in store for me. I've been single for a year and 5 days. That may seem ridiculous that I know exactly how long it has been, but for everyone who doesn't know, this is the longest I've been single in quite some time.

I had raised standards and not many have met them. 

I've seen a couple people over the last year, but things didn't mesh well. 

It's an awesome accomplishment that I didn't just settle for anyone and I KNOW that I'm not running in circles--I know God has a plan. 

I get frustrated because I don't know the plan, but get so excited because I know His plan is so much grander than my own. 

The last couple of weeks, I've been really convicted to spend more time in the word and in prayer. It's amazing how much more confident and in control I feel when I'm prepared. I was listening to Pandora on the way home from a friend's house the other day and just broke down in tears as I sang "You are my desire, No one else will do. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend." I do desire a closer relationship with God and I'm having a ball digging into the word every day. I wake up feeling better and I feel better throughout the day than when I don't make the time to do so. How would you feel if someone you're supposed to be super close to and you would do anything for just stopped talking to you or growing farther away from you over the course of a few months? Rejected and hurt. I guarantee it. I don't want to be ignored, so I don't want to ignore the most important things in my life just because I don't make time. 

It shouldn't come down to me crying to make me realize something. That's also a huge lesson I've learned. I've stopped making people and things a priority when they've only made me an option. Working so hard for someone else's attention is exhausting and painful. You can't make someone feel a certain way about you or anything in life. You can only give your best and if that's not good enough, move on. Other people's perception of you does not equal your worth. Not even close. 

All of this brings me to the biggest and hardest lesson/application I've been struggling with this month. Forgiveness. 

That word makes me cringe.

It shouldn't. 

As Christians, we're taught that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and you're forgiven. If Jesus could die on a cross for me, why the heck can't I forgive other people?

I have to be broken, that's why. 

I have to break down this wall that I've had for years to let real emotion in.

I have to be vulnerable and I have to open myself up to be hurt again. 

I'm so used to just putting hurt away and not dealing with it because then, it's not hurting me-it's just a memory in my book that I'll go through later.

I've had a huge fear of rejection my whole life because of my childhood and certain things I've been through. I am usually able to put that away and just put a front up so that I don't have to be afraid. That door was busted WIDE open this month. Fear makes us crazy. Fear makes us doubt everything about ourselves and our abilities. 

Forgiving others means facing those fears and the rejections or whatever else happened. I used to think forgiving others meant that I was excusing someone's actions as if they never happened. I'm 23 and it just now clicked that that isn't the case. Just because we're forgiven, doesn't mean that our actions were approved. 

This lesson is applicable every day for so many different situations. 

Whether it's the fact that Bob stole my pencil or that my dad walked out on me when I was a kid, it needs to be forgiven. We all need to move on and stop living in the hurt and rejection of life. We're not getting anywhere and we're holding on to this icky feeling. For what? 

I know this is uber long, but, the last month I've so many thoughts rushing through my noggin. I'm thinking of starting a summer Bible study because fellowship is awesome! If you're interested, let me know :) 

Teacher Appreciation Week

It was brought to my attention that this upcoming week is teacher appreciation week :) I want to take a minute to brag on some of my favorite teachers in the entire world! Sorry it's kinda long...

Ms. Seiffert was my middle school choir teacher. Talk about pure awesomeness. This woman is incredibly talented and incredibly skilled at teaching children to read music. I owe my amazing hand sign and solfege abilities to her. She took chances on all of her students and made us love choir. Sure, we were singing Jeepers Creepers and doing silly dances, but mad respect to this woman. She was always incredibly dedicated and engaged in her classes and all of her students. She knew all of our names and what voice part we sang! She took me to my first musical and I had a blast. I learned to love music in her class. I'll never forget the days of wearing those big red taffeta dresses or the Zachry Singer's sequenced vests :) Thank you for your dedication and your love of teaching!

Ms. Slough (Burkholder) was my freshman high school choir director. Love. This. Woman. I remember my first day of class in Prep Choir and I loved every minute of her class. I already loved music, but somehow, I learned and loved it more every day. She was such a blessing and was such a role model for me, especially in my faith. I saw that it was okay to be a christian and to embrace, but better yet, to use my talent for the glory of God. She only taught me for a year, but the lessons still apply to this day. I sang in her wedding and now I watch her sing on Sundays at church. I will never forget that first year of high school and all the memories we share. Thank you for being awesome :)

Mr. Rogers was my choir director from Sophomore year to Senior year. I'll have to admit, I did not think we would get along well when he first started. Hormonal teenagers and a new teacher don't mix well! I was incredibly surprised at the immediate connection he made with all of us. We had so much fun in choir, especially Jazz Choir. I'll never forget Zombie Jamboree! He helped me manage my time and to find the time to practice for Region/Pre Area/Area auditions and that helped a lot. He helped a girl who couldn't sight read for anything become fairly good at it! I learned a lot of life lessons in his classroom and under his guidance. It was awesome for me to have him attend my senior recital! Thank you for always being a constant source of encouragement.

Dr. Mabry was my voice teacher from my Junior year in high school to my Senior year in college. Woah. He has taught me so many lessons in a musical sense, but in a life sense as well. I was a shy little soprano who was afraid to sing in front of anyone at the beginning of my journey at UTSA. Now, I'm a loud, confident soprano who loves to sing at every chance I get. He helped me get through Randy's death and helped me to get back up and keep going even when it was the hardest possible thing in the world to do. He always seems to know the right thing to say! Thank you for always encouraging me and pushing me  to do better-I always did do better. Meeting your challenges were some of my greatest accomplishments. This man helped me make the Texas All-State Choir and semi-final/final in the NATS competition each time I competed. Thank you for being the greatest voice teacher a girl could ask for.

Dr. Kelly was my theory teacher and 20th century analysis teacher at UTSA. This woman helped me go from knowing barely anything related to music theory to being able to successfully complete a matrix. Boo ya. She challenged me to do better and always took the time to make sure I understood EVERYTHING, which if you remember, took a long time. She made me confident enough to take that proficiency test that we all feared. I'd walk into her office probably every other day with questions, and she would patiently explain everything to me so that I understood. She taught me never to give up to study, study, study! She is awesome. She made me love theory-and that was an impossible task four years ago. My favorite memory is of her  calling me into her office after a voice lesson with Dr. Mabry (right across the hall) and saying, "Was that a D you sang in your lesson? That's intense, right on." Thanks for everything you do Dr. Kelly!

Notice how all of these teachers are music teachers? Now I'm about to student teach to be one of them! I really hope that I can make a difference in just one student's life the way that each of them have made on my life, as well as many others. I've had plenty of encouraging teachers and I will be forever grateful.

I also want to recognize two other teachers who mean the world to me: My sister and my best friend.

My sister, Amanda, is a second grade teacher a charter school here in San Antonio and has a very rough batch of kids. She really hates going to work and doesn't feel like she's doing a good enough job when she's teaching. She is an awesome teacher. She is an awesome woman. She's discouraged easily and I hope she never loses sight of her God given talent to teach. She taught me when I was growing up and she will continue to teach her children, as well as others. Although this is her last year teaching, she's going to rock at teaching her own kids. She's a brave woman and I'm so glad she's my sister. She's been a constant encouragement and example as to what kind of teacher I want to be. Love you Mandy :)

Last, but certainly not least, Kathryn :) She is an awesome teacher. We were students at UTSA together, one year apart. She graduated in December of 2011 and has almost completed her first year of teaching in Lincoln, Nebraska. I want to be in her class, haha. She tells me the stuff that she teachers her students, and I LOVE her classroom. This uncrafty gal has turned in to quite the crafter. She cares so much about her kids, even when they irritate her. She's a great example of what I want to be. I'm so glad she's made it this first year, not only in Nebraska, but as an awesome elementary music teacher. I'm so proud of you and all you've accomplished!

OK, that's all I have for now. Too many people to appreciate :) I'm so excited to had the opportunity to work with all of these wonderful teachers. I cannot wait to make a change in a student's life the way these men and women have changed mine. :) Yay teachers!!

Chipper

As most of you know, I am not a chipper person, nor have I really ever been. But, over the last week or so, something has changed. I have a spring in my step and a reason to smile.
I had been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately and feeling like I wasn't really doing anything worthy of praise-one of those weird moments that we all have.

I was also looking through older pictures and found some of me a few years back, when I was incredibly thin and fit and looked great. As you know, I'm not that girl anymore, haha. But, after reading this post, I realized that although I have some changes I need to make in myself in order to be healthier and feel better about myself, no one has the right to tell me I'm not good enough. Whether someone is saying I'm too fat or too thin, they don't have that right.

When I was thinner, weighing in at 118 pounds, I felt awesome! There is no denying that feeling of accomplishment when you get to your goal weight or even just getting in shape. I will never forget that feeling-it's actually what fuels me to get off my tush now and change some things. I went from being "heavy" (which today, I would rather be at the weight I was when I was "heavy") to too thin, according to my grandma. It's never good enough to the world or to society what you look like. If you're thin, your hair is wrong. If you're curvy or heavy, you're not thin enough. When is this battle ever going to stop? I say NOW.

I'm in the process of getting healthier for myself, not for anyone else. Yes, it will feel grand to fit into those smaller sized pants that I used to wear, but there is nothing wrong with the size I wear now. I'm not happy with where I am personally, but it's not to say that I'm not a grand person or have a successful life. Everyone is completely different. I have awesome thin friends and awesome heavy friends. Every body is different. Don't make someone else feel less about themselves because you don't want the same treatment. Encourage your friends and let them encourage you.

Don't let people make you feel ugly. Because, no matter what your weight is, you're beautiful. Period. 
As an incredibly negative person myself, I had to really read that last sentence before it sank in. I'm really great at making fun of or dissing myself. I haven't really noticed it as much until someone recently pointed that out to me. Confidence is one of the greatest traits to have. I think as women, we really need to work on that. Even if we need to lose or gain some pounds, be comfortable in your skin. It's your body, love it for what it is.
Also, if you are trying to lose or gain weight, go for it. Don't tell yourself you can't! You can do whatever you put your mind to. Fear is the biggest thing that stops us from doing what we wish.
There are some other reasons I've been chipper this week, but reading Brooke's post made me feel a little better. I've started working out again and I'm pleased. I have noticed that I'm less irritable and I have more energy.

One more thing! If you're feeling down or just need a pick-me-up, try St. John's Wort. I love this stuff. It's a natural mood enhancer. It also helps with muscle aches (oil). But, if you are going to take it, it can throw off the effect of your birth control and antidepressants if you take it on a regular basis. It also comes in a tea form. Try it out!

Atrocity

 I'm Emily and I'm 23 living in Texas. I grew up in the same house that I live in currently and I eat popcorn when I'm sad. These are pretty well known facts about me that most of my good friends know (maybe not the popcorn thing, but my family definitely is aware of that lovely gem). I'm a simple gal who keeps to herself mostly and avoids conflict. I do not care for confrontation-I never have. I'm the girl who usually stays away from all the political junk and religious conflict and keep my opinion to myself. But, I've had enough of sitting by watching the world decay.

 It seems that every day, there is a new source of evil attacking humanity. One of the obvious would be the bombing yesterday in Boston. I was at work, talking to a couple about their focus areas for their massage, when the guy burst out in anger that Boston had been bombed. My original thought was, oh that stinks, and then moved on. I didn't realize how upset about it I would be until I was able to go home and watch the news. Almost immediately, everyone was changing their Facebook status and profile pictures to "Pray for Boston." As I was watching the footage on CNN, my heart sank as I realized there will always be something evil attacking us. Thousands of people were on location. I know we haven't identified who set off the bombs, but to me, it matters the destruction they have caused. I can't even imagine that kind of trauma. What do we do now? I have no idea.

Then, today, a friend of mine posted a this story about Kermit Gosnell. This man is pure evil and I don't know how on earth I have not heard of this until now. Whether or not you agree with abortion, this is about murder of several children-not a battle over the right to abort.

Whether or not you believe it is okay to abort a child in your own mind, these children (seven found, but there may be more) were breathing and moving. They were alive. Their mothers gave birth to them and then this sick, evil man, took scissors and snipped their necks. They were murdered, not aborted.

I'm not okay with that. How on earth did this man get away with this?  How on earth are we just hearing about this? He's had an up and running "abortion" clinic for twenty years (17 years without an inspection by the Health Department). I can argue all day long about the fact that I don't agree with abortion, but this was past the "24 week mark"of legal abortion. Some babies were 30 weeks old when they were "aborted."

I am a huge fan of criminal shows, which are based on actual criminals, but this is unimaginable. This news article by the Post speaks on why we're just now hearing about this atrocity. The media hasn't been covering this story-why not? President Obama "cannot" make a comment or take a side on this matter.
THIS IS NOT THE ABOUT THE RIGHT TO ABORTION.
This is about a man, who is killing children. A man who is keeping their feet in jars in his office. A man who stuffs their bodies in freezers. I'm appalled. I don't care if you agree with my  statements, but don't expect me to be okay with this. As I've already stated, I do not agree with abortion, and I sure as hell don't agree with killing a child after they are delivered. After they're breathing. After they're screaming.

I know there are tons of good men and women in the world, but it seems like we only highlight the evil in the world. We need to stop pretending everything is dandy and alright and fight for what we believe in. I'm not saying we should picket abortion clinics and shun people who choose abortion, at all.

 I'm saying if you have an opinion, express it, don't just keep it in for yourself. If you believe something is right or wrong, stand up for your opinion. That is your right. Don't be an ignorant person who just decides to ignore it all or say you don't have an opinion. Be convicted by your beliefs without being crazy.
 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we must all respect the opinion of our peers, even when we don't agree.

My name is Emily and I'm a real woman who has a very real opinion.

The Beauty of Friendship

In my life, I've had a lot of friends, but only a few great friends. Thankfully, these friends are the ones who know my deepest secrets and quirks but still choose to be my friend. I know I can bring anything to them and they'll love me the same.

It's a known fact that I love Jesus. I frequently bring my bible to school and to work so I can study it. Some people poke fun at me and call me a bible thumper, but I've never really been hurt by the ignorant jabs people make about my faith and my love for Christ. I was reading through an old book that DC Talk wrote titles Jesus Freaks. This book reports different real life stories of Christians who have been persecuted for their faith. People have been beaten and killed for their undeniable faith.

Too many Christians forget (including me) the persecution and ridicule Jesus faced to fulfill God's prophecy. Also, I think we don't have a true understanding of what it means to follow Christ. It's hard for us to make time to do a bible study for 30 minutes every day-Jesus calls us His disciples. Disciples dropped everything to follow Christ. I'm sure that they spent more than 30 minutes with Jesus everyday.

I need to make it a daily priority to spend time with God. Hands down. Those are just the thoughts I'd share while waiting in a doctor's office.

By the way, Siri is not open for this conversation!

Finish What You Start

As you know, I posted earlier in the year that I was planning on switching universities and all that jazz because I hated UTSA and didn't want to graduate there, blah blah blah. Well, since then, I've been praying constantly about it and really thinking about what I want to do with my life. After posting about fear a couple weeks ago, I really started thinking... I don't really feel that passion to teach anymore and I know that for everyone it comes and goes, but I haven't felt it for a while. I also know that as much as I want to tackle Music Therapy, I should finish what I started at UTSA.

Finish. That's the scariest word ever. I'm more afraid of finishing a degree and having to be a grown up than switching universities and starting an entirely different program. I'm nervous about actually teaching in a classroom without being able to leave after about 2 hours as I did in observations. I'm terrified of the profession I chose back in 2008 due to all of the changes in the Education system here in Texas. I'm terrified that I won't be good at it when I actually am in the classroom. Learning to teach and teaching are two totally different things. I know it's silly to be afraid of something I've been trained to do for the last FIVE years, but I am terrified. I'm also terrified because of the stories I hear from current [music] teachers.

My mom called me out on it a few months ago. I got so defensive that I don't think we really talked for two days other than "hey", "thanks", "see ya later" and "night". I didn't want to admit that I was scared because I'm an independent girl who can conquer anything. Inside, I was shakin' in my boots. She was right. Mothers are always walkin' around just being right. Don't you hate that? You know they have the best intention when telling you what they think but you don't expect them to actually be right. She was right. I know she's reading this and chuckling, probably thinking, "when are you going to learn, I'm always right?" Love you, mother.

So, I have put the music therapy journey on hold and have decided to conquer what I started in 2008. I applied for Student Teaching and filled out all necessary paperwork. I attended the meeting, I've found dates for all of the tests I'll have to take and I have prepared myself mentally for the road I'm about to take. I'm scared--I admit it. I don't know if I'm more afraid that I don't know how it's going to go or whether or not the money put into college was worth it. I'm also terrified that there won't be many arts programs left after I graduate. Regardless, I'm finishing what I started and I'm proud of that choice. I'm scared (as I've said a million times) but I'm a strong woman who can conquer the world. I got this, right?

Commitment is doing what you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself...

I think it's incredibly unfortunate what kind of power your past has over you. No matter how far you've come and how much better of place you are in, your past can still whisper your name causing you to fall back into those old traps.

As I've said before, everyone has baggage. Whether it be something like someone stealing your pen in third grade or losing your parent to a disease, it has effected you. Everyone has different baggage-something you've been through may not be as "big" as someone else's problem, but it has still changed you. We become so used to being independent and not relying on those around us because we're afraid of losing someone or being hurt, but we push out all those who care about us when we do so.

When I was a Senior in High School, I was in the musical Annie. A friend of mine played the role of FDR and the thing I remember most about the entire musical was one line that he spoke-"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm reminded of these profound words so often in my life, that I feel I should just paint them on my wall. Fear is a nasty virus that is not only contagious, it is deadly. Fear stops us from doing not only the really hard things, but even the small stuff like saying hi to someone or  making eye contact with a stranger. It reminds us of the baggage we carry and causes us to feel so horrible, that we stick to ourselves so that there is no risk of someone else hurting us.

The thing about our past is that it will always be a part of us. We can never just cut it out of our lives. We can forgive, but forgetting is one of those tricky things. We may forget about something for a while but in an instant, it comes rushing back to remind us of the hell we've faced. Every time we fall back into the trap it sets for us, we lose. When we succumb to its power, we're selling ourselves short. We've already suffered the tragedies, why relive it every day?

Our past does not have to control our lives. A past is just that-it's in the past! You are still going to find beautiful things in the world that bring you happiness and love. When you fear everything, you're not giving yourself the wonderful opportunity of being happy. Remember the last time you were just so happy you couldn't help yourself-not the people you were with or the place you were at, just the feeling of happiness. Let that be the fuel for your fire. Happiness is worth a risk.

Don't live in fear, live in hope.