Chipper

As most of you know, I am not a chipper person, nor have I really ever been. But, over the last week or so, something has changed. I have a spring in my step and a reason to smile.
I had been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately and feeling like I wasn't really doing anything worthy of praise-one of those weird moments that we all have.

I was also looking through older pictures and found some of me a few years back, when I was incredibly thin and fit and looked great. As you know, I'm not that girl anymore, haha. But, after reading this post, I realized that although I have some changes I need to make in myself in order to be healthier and feel better about myself, no one has the right to tell me I'm not good enough. Whether someone is saying I'm too fat or too thin, they don't have that right.

When I was thinner, weighing in at 118 pounds, I felt awesome! There is no denying that feeling of accomplishment when you get to your goal weight or even just getting in shape. I will never forget that feeling-it's actually what fuels me to get off my tush now and change some things. I went from being "heavy" (which today, I would rather be at the weight I was when I was "heavy") to too thin, according to my grandma. It's never good enough to the world or to society what you look like. If you're thin, your hair is wrong. If you're curvy or heavy, you're not thin enough. When is this battle ever going to stop? I say NOW.

I'm in the process of getting healthier for myself, not for anyone else. Yes, it will feel grand to fit into those smaller sized pants that I used to wear, but there is nothing wrong with the size I wear now. I'm not happy with where I am personally, but it's not to say that I'm not a grand person or have a successful life. Everyone is completely different. I have awesome thin friends and awesome heavy friends. Every body is different. Don't make someone else feel less about themselves because you don't want the same treatment. Encourage your friends and let them encourage you.

Don't let people make you feel ugly. Because, no matter what your weight is, you're beautiful. Period. 
As an incredibly negative person myself, I had to really read that last sentence before it sank in. I'm really great at making fun of or dissing myself. I haven't really noticed it as much until someone recently pointed that out to me. Confidence is one of the greatest traits to have. I think as women, we really need to work on that. Even if we need to lose or gain some pounds, be comfortable in your skin. It's your body, love it for what it is.
Also, if you are trying to lose or gain weight, go for it. Don't tell yourself you can't! You can do whatever you put your mind to. Fear is the biggest thing that stops us from doing what we wish.
There are some other reasons I've been chipper this week, but reading Brooke's post made me feel a little better. I've started working out again and I'm pleased. I have noticed that I'm less irritable and I have more energy.

One more thing! If you're feeling down or just need a pick-me-up, try St. John's Wort. I love this stuff. It's a natural mood enhancer. It also helps with muscle aches (oil). But, if you are going to take it, it can throw off the effect of your birth control and antidepressants if you take it on a regular basis. It also comes in a tea form. Try it out!

Atrocity

 I'm Emily and I'm 23 living in Texas. I grew up in the same house that I live in currently and I eat popcorn when I'm sad. These are pretty well known facts about me that most of my good friends know (maybe not the popcorn thing, but my family definitely is aware of that lovely gem). I'm a simple gal who keeps to herself mostly and avoids conflict. I do not care for confrontation-I never have. I'm the girl who usually stays away from all the political junk and religious conflict and keep my opinion to myself. But, I've had enough of sitting by watching the world decay.

 It seems that every day, there is a new source of evil attacking humanity. One of the obvious would be the bombing yesterday in Boston. I was at work, talking to a couple about their focus areas for their massage, when the guy burst out in anger that Boston had been bombed. My original thought was, oh that stinks, and then moved on. I didn't realize how upset about it I would be until I was able to go home and watch the news. Almost immediately, everyone was changing their Facebook status and profile pictures to "Pray for Boston." As I was watching the footage on CNN, my heart sank as I realized there will always be something evil attacking us. Thousands of people were on location. I know we haven't identified who set off the bombs, but to me, it matters the destruction they have caused. I can't even imagine that kind of trauma. What do we do now? I have no idea.

Then, today, a friend of mine posted a this story about Kermit Gosnell. This man is pure evil and I don't know how on earth I have not heard of this until now. Whether or not you agree with abortion, this is about murder of several children-not a battle over the right to abort.

Whether or not you believe it is okay to abort a child in your own mind, these children (seven found, but there may be more) were breathing and moving. They were alive. Their mothers gave birth to them and then this sick, evil man, took scissors and snipped their necks. They were murdered, not aborted.

I'm not okay with that. How on earth did this man get away with this?  How on earth are we just hearing about this? He's had an up and running "abortion" clinic for twenty years (17 years without an inspection by the Health Department). I can argue all day long about the fact that I don't agree with abortion, but this was past the "24 week mark"of legal abortion. Some babies were 30 weeks old when they were "aborted."

I am a huge fan of criminal shows, which are based on actual criminals, but this is unimaginable. This news article by the Post speaks on why we're just now hearing about this atrocity. The media hasn't been covering this story-why not? President Obama "cannot" make a comment or take a side on this matter.
THIS IS NOT THE ABOUT THE RIGHT TO ABORTION.
This is about a man, who is killing children. A man who is keeping their feet in jars in his office. A man who stuffs their bodies in freezers. I'm appalled. I don't care if you agree with my  statements, but don't expect me to be okay with this. As I've already stated, I do not agree with abortion, and I sure as hell don't agree with killing a child after they are delivered. After they're breathing. After they're screaming.

I know there are tons of good men and women in the world, but it seems like we only highlight the evil in the world. We need to stop pretending everything is dandy and alright and fight for what we believe in. I'm not saying we should picket abortion clinics and shun people who choose abortion, at all.

 I'm saying if you have an opinion, express it, don't just keep it in for yourself. If you believe something is right or wrong, stand up for your opinion. That is your right. Don't be an ignorant person who just decides to ignore it all or say you don't have an opinion. Be convicted by your beliefs without being crazy.
 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we must all respect the opinion of our peers, even when we don't agree.

My name is Emily and I'm a real woman who has a very real opinion.

The Beauty of Friendship

In my life, I've had a lot of friends, but only a few great friends. Thankfully, these friends are the ones who know my deepest secrets and quirks but still choose to be my friend. I know I can bring anything to them and they'll love me the same.

It's a known fact that I love Jesus. I frequently bring my bible to school and to work so I can study it. Some people poke fun at me and call me a bible thumper, but I've never really been hurt by the ignorant jabs people make about my faith and my love for Christ. I was reading through an old book that DC Talk wrote titles Jesus Freaks. This book reports different real life stories of Christians who have been persecuted for their faith. People have been beaten and killed for their undeniable faith.

Too many Christians forget (including me) the persecution and ridicule Jesus faced to fulfill God's prophecy. Also, I think we don't have a true understanding of what it means to follow Christ. It's hard for us to make time to do a bible study for 30 minutes every day-Jesus calls us His disciples. Disciples dropped everything to follow Christ. I'm sure that they spent more than 30 minutes with Jesus everyday.

I need to make it a daily priority to spend time with God. Hands down. Those are just the thoughts I'd share while waiting in a doctor's office.

By the way, Siri is not open for this conversation!

Finish What You Start

As you know, I posted earlier in the year that I was planning on switching universities and all that jazz because I hated UTSA and didn't want to graduate there, blah blah blah. Well, since then, I've been praying constantly about it and really thinking about what I want to do with my life. After posting about fear a couple weeks ago, I really started thinking... I don't really feel that passion to teach anymore and I know that for everyone it comes and goes, but I haven't felt it for a while. I also know that as much as I want to tackle Music Therapy, I should finish what I started at UTSA.

Finish. That's the scariest word ever. I'm more afraid of finishing a degree and having to be a grown up than switching universities and starting an entirely different program. I'm nervous about actually teaching in a classroom without being able to leave after about 2 hours as I did in observations. I'm terrified of the profession I chose back in 2008 due to all of the changes in the Education system here in Texas. I'm terrified that I won't be good at it when I actually am in the classroom. Learning to teach and teaching are two totally different things. I know it's silly to be afraid of something I've been trained to do for the last FIVE years, but I am terrified. I'm also terrified because of the stories I hear from current [music] teachers.

My mom called me out on it a few months ago. I got so defensive that I don't think we really talked for two days other than "hey", "thanks", "see ya later" and "night". I didn't want to admit that I was scared because I'm an independent girl who can conquer anything. Inside, I was shakin' in my boots. She was right. Mothers are always walkin' around just being right. Don't you hate that? You know they have the best intention when telling you what they think but you don't expect them to actually be right. She was right. I know she's reading this and chuckling, probably thinking, "when are you going to learn, I'm always right?" Love you, mother.

So, I have put the music therapy journey on hold and have decided to conquer what I started in 2008. I applied for Student Teaching and filled out all necessary paperwork. I attended the meeting, I've found dates for all of the tests I'll have to take and I have prepared myself mentally for the road I'm about to take. I'm scared--I admit it. I don't know if I'm more afraid that I don't know how it's going to go or whether or not the money put into college was worth it. I'm also terrified that there won't be many arts programs left after I graduate. Regardless, I'm finishing what I started and I'm proud of that choice. I'm scared (as I've said a million times) but I'm a strong woman who can conquer the world. I got this, right?

Commitment is doing what you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself...

I think it's incredibly unfortunate what kind of power your past has over you. No matter how far you've come and how much better of place you are in, your past can still whisper your name causing you to fall back into those old traps.

As I've said before, everyone has baggage. Whether it be something like someone stealing your pen in third grade or losing your parent to a disease, it has effected you. Everyone has different baggage-something you've been through may not be as "big" as someone else's problem, but it has still changed you. We become so used to being independent and not relying on those around us because we're afraid of losing someone or being hurt, but we push out all those who care about us when we do so.

When I was a Senior in High School, I was in the musical Annie. A friend of mine played the role of FDR and the thing I remember most about the entire musical was one line that he spoke-"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm reminded of these profound words so often in my life, that I feel I should just paint them on my wall. Fear is a nasty virus that is not only contagious, it is deadly. Fear stops us from doing not only the really hard things, but even the small stuff like saying hi to someone or  making eye contact with a stranger. It reminds us of the baggage we carry and causes us to feel so horrible, that we stick to ourselves so that there is no risk of someone else hurting us.

The thing about our past is that it will always be a part of us. We can never just cut it out of our lives. We can forgive, but forgetting is one of those tricky things. We may forget about something for a while but in an instant, it comes rushing back to remind us of the hell we've faced. Every time we fall back into the trap it sets for us, we lose. When we succumb to its power, we're selling ourselves short. We've already suffered the tragedies, why relive it every day?

Our past does not have to control our lives. A past is just that-it's in the past! You are still going to find beautiful things in the world that bring you happiness and love. When you fear everything, you're not giving yourself the wonderful opportunity of being happy. Remember the last time you were just so happy you couldn't help yourself-not the people you were with or the place you were at, just the feeling of happiness. Let that be the fuel for your fire. Happiness is worth a risk.

Don't live in fear, live in hope.

Book Club?

I love to read. Plain and simple.
Ever since I was old enough to read, I've enjoyed it. When I was younger, we had a Sega Saturn-which was cool. My mom had a rule though-for every hour of playing, we had to read for an hour. And, you couldn't use a bank of hours, haha. For instance, if I read for 4 hours today, she wouldn't just let me play for 4 hours straight. Point being, reading was an incentive which then became a hobby.

Maybe the love of reading resulted from the fact that we only ever had a Sega Saturn and that after it broke, we didn't have another video gaming option. Anyway, you get the point that I just love to read.
In high school I kind of forgot about my love of reading since we were required to read a lot of books that I didn't necessarily care for. But, once I cracked open my copy of 1984 by George Orwell, I was hooked.

I had never really thought about a book club until recently. This is going to a be a total geek Sim moment, but, in the Sims you're character can sign up for a book club--they receive a book every Wednesday and there you go! But, not only did the Sims encourage me, my dad did. A couple of weeks ago, I drove to Big Spring and got to see my family. My dad sent me home with three books and said it was a really good series and I should read it. He then said something about him being in a book club and that it was the best way to get books cheaper.

Also, Pandora (which I listen to every morning when I'm getting ready) always shoots the ad out that says, "the best place to start a book club is with the book So You Want to Start a Book Club?" I've made the decision that I want to start a book club. I love to read and I love to talk about books--yes, I'm a nerd. I'm okay with that.

I'm excited about my idea and I'm not sure where it's going, but, I'm going to start a book club. Go me.

One Day Road Trip

On Friday, my dad's grandmother Gordie passed away. She was 93 years old and lived a great long life. I was very eager to hear about the plans for the information about the service so that I could make arrangements. My dad and his entire family live in West Texas (Big Spring), so it would be great to see everyone and to celebrate her life.  My dad let me know on Sunday night that the funeral would be on Monday at 2. That was not what I was expecting, but I was off Monday, so I decided I would go. My mom made me go to bed at a decent hour so I wouldn't be falling asleep on the way there.

I left at 7:15 AM yesterday on my 4 1/2 - 5 hour drive to middle-of-nowhere Big Spring, Texas. Of course, I got some Starbucks before I left :) Coffee is a life saver. I made extremely good time at almost exactly 4 1/2 hours. I changed and met up with my family--I hadn't seen that side of the family for about a year (some even longer) and I was excited to fellowship with them. We all headed over to the funeral home to gather together before the service. My great grandmother looked so peaceful and it made me glad that she is in a better place. My grandma asked me to sing for the family, so I sang Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.  It's crazy, I've been singing in front of them for years and I still get nervous, especially yesterday.

After we all met at the funeral home, we went to the graveside for the service. It was very short and sweet (grandma said that's the way she would have wanted it). My dad, two uncles and my grandma sang Victory in Jesus and it was delightful. It's as if she was in the room celebrating her own life. It was so wonderful. Now, I don't have many memories of my great grandmother, but hearing everything about her, I wish I had more. She was an awesome woman and her faith in Christ is inspiring. Heaven was definitely celebrating because they got an awesome new member :) I'm so glad I was able to make it!

I then, drove back home after the funeral. NINE HOURS IN ONE DAY. It's not that big of a deal, but needless to say, I was tired when I got home. It was such a fabulous day. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I am awed in a new way every day.

Amazing grace,
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me?
I once was lost, but now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see. 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed. 

My chains are gone, 
I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace. 

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word, my hope secures. 
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures. 

My chains are gone, 
I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, 
The sun forbear to shine.
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine. 
You are forever mine.