June...Already?

The last month has flown by extremely quickly and I'm still astounded that it is June 6, 2013. So many different things, good and bad, have happened over the last month that to finally sit back and look at it as a whole is baffling. 

I've learned several lessons in this short amount of time and I thought I'd share. 

First of all, when God blesses you, thank Him and accept the blessing. Even when you think a specific  blessing isn't what you expected or even wanted, a blessing is a blessing from God. This is one of the most valuable lessons I've ever learned and I've relearned in the last 30 days. Every good and perfect thing comes from above. I have to remind myself every day of the blessings in my life. I tend to take things for granted and am unappreciative, until I don't have them anymore. There are so many blessings we all receive that we don't/won't ever deserve, but God is gracious and merciful in so many ways. I am so incredibly thankful for the things that I have and am really trying to learn to be okay with the things that I need rather than the things that I want. 

Most everyone who knows me knows that I am a very impatient gal. I want things instantaneously and that's just not in the cards for me. I can wait for 9 hours to eat a meal every day because I'm busy, but I'm so glued to my phone, that I can barely wait 5 minutes for a response to a text or email that I sent. After a period of an hour or two, I feel like people are upset with me if they don't respond quickly enough. Phones should not dictate our lives. Boy, did I learn that over the last month. It's a good thing that my phone is broken right now, because to be completely honest, not being glued to my phone over the last couple days has been really liberating. I am able to pay more attention to what I'm doing and who I'm with rather than who is texting me and what Facebook says every 30 seconds. 

Also on being impatient, everything else in my life becomes difficult because I am not a patient girl, haha. When things are not going the way I planned or I have a goal that I want accomplished, I expect results immediately...which is not always (really ever) plausible. I was promoted last month and I have an incredibly high expectation of myself to know everything there is to know already, without being trained. That's impossible. I'm learning something new every day, more than once a day. I get frustrated because I don't want to have to ask for help or to admit that I don't know how to do something, even though I have plenty of people to lean on for support. 

That is just a tiny example--but it's every day. My AC is never cold fast enough, my texts don't send quickly enough, cleaning takes too long, etc. I'm so go, go, go that I don't take the time to appreciate the beauty in life and the little things that make my life worth while. 

I'm 23. I have to remind myself that I'm young and it's okay that I'm not married or have kids yet--a lot of my friends are getting married and having babies and I feel like I'm way behind. I know that's incredibly inaccurate! After having my nephew for 9 days last week when my sister was in Italy, I'm quite aware of how unprepared I am for a child at this very moment. My prayer for the last year has been to help me achieve patience and to be joyful as I wait patiently for the man God has in store for me. I've been single for a year and 5 days. That may seem ridiculous that I know exactly how long it has been, but for everyone who doesn't know, this is the longest I've been single in quite some time.

I had raised standards and not many have met them. 

I've seen a couple people over the last year, but things didn't mesh well. 

It's an awesome accomplishment that I didn't just settle for anyone and I KNOW that I'm not running in circles--I know God has a plan. 

I get frustrated because I don't know the plan, but get so excited because I know His plan is so much grander than my own. 

The last couple of weeks, I've been really convicted to spend more time in the word and in prayer. It's amazing how much more confident and in control I feel when I'm prepared. I was listening to Pandora on the way home from a friend's house the other day and just broke down in tears as I sang "You are my desire, No one else will do. I lay it all down again, to hear you say that I'm your friend." I do desire a closer relationship with God and I'm having a ball digging into the word every day. I wake up feeling better and I feel better throughout the day than when I don't make the time to do so. How would you feel if someone you're supposed to be super close to and you would do anything for just stopped talking to you or growing farther away from you over the course of a few months? Rejected and hurt. I guarantee it. I don't want to be ignored, so I don't want to ignore the most important things in my life just because I don't make time. 

It shouldn't come down to me crying to make me realize something. That's also a huge lesson I've learned. I've stopped making people and things a priority when they've only made me an option. Working so hard for someone else's attention is exhausting and painful. You can't make someone feel a certain way about you or anything in life. You can only give your best and if that's not good enough, move on. Other people's perception of you does not equal your worth. Not even close. 

All of this brings me to the biggest and hardest lesson/application I've been struggling with this month. Forgiveness. 

That word makes me cringe.

It shouldn't. 

As Christians, we're taught that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and you're forgiven. If Jesus could die on a cross for me, why the heck can't I forgive other people?

I have to be broken, that's why. 

I have to break down this wall that I've had for years to let real emotion in.

I have to be vulnerable and I have to open myself up to be hurt again. 

I'm so used to just putting hurt away and not dealing with it because then, it's not hurting me-it's just a memory in my book that I'll go through later.

I've had a huge fear of rejection my whole life because of my childhood and certain things I've been through. I am usually able to put that away and just put a front up so that I don't have to be afraid. That door was busted WIDE open this month. Fear makes us crazy. Fear makes us doubt everything about ourselves and our abilities. 

Forgiving others means facing those fears and the rejections or whatever else happened. I used to think forgiving others meant that I was excusing someone's actions as if they never happened. I'm 23 and it just now clicked that that isn't the case. Just because we're forgiven, doesn't mean that our actions were approved. 

This lesson is applicable every day for so many different situations. 

Whether it's the fact that Bob stole my pencil or that my dad walked out on me when I was a kid, it needs to be forgiven. We all need to move on and stop living in the hurt and rejection of life. We're not getting anywhere and we're holding on to this icky feeling. For what? 

I know this is uber long, but, the last month I've so many thoughts rushing through my noggin. I'm thinking of starting a summer Bible study because fellowship is awesome! If you're interested, let me know :) 

Teacher Appreciation Week

It was brought to my attention that this upcoming week is teacher appreciation week :) I want to take a minute to brag on some of my favorite teachers in the entire world! Sorry it's kinda long...

Ms. Seiffert was my middle school choir teacher. Talk about pure awesomeness. This woman is incredibly talented and incredibly skilled at teaching children to read music. I owe my amazing hand sign and solfege abilities to her. She took chances on all of her students and made us love choir. Sure, we were singing Jeepers Creepers and doing silly dances, but mad respect to this woman. She was always incredibly dedicated and engaged in her classes and all of her students. She knew all of our names and what voice part we sang! She took me to my first musical and I had a blast. I learned to love music in her class. I'll never forget the days of wearing those big red taffeta dresses or the Zachry Singer's sequenced vests :) Thank you for your dedication and your love of teaching!

Ms. Slough (Burkholder) was my freshman high school choir director. Love. This. Woman. I remember my first day of class in Prep Choir and I loved every minute of her class. I already loved music, but somehow, I learned and loved it more every day. She was such a blessing and was such a role model for me, especially in my faith. I saw that it was okay to be a christian and to embrace, but better yet, to use my talent for the glory of God. She only taught me for a year, but the lessons still apply to this day. I sang in her wedding and now I watch her sing on Sundays at church. I will never forget that first year of high school and all the memories we share. Thank you for being awesome :)

Mr. Rogers was my choir director from Sophomore year to Senior year. I'll have to admit, I did not think we would get along well when he first started. Hormonal teenagers and a new teacher don't mix well! I was incredibly surprised at the immediate connection he made with all of us. We had so much fun in choir, especially Jazz Choir. I'll never forget Zombie Jamboree! He helped me manage my time and to find the time to practice for Region/Pre Area/Area auditions and that helped a lot. He helped a girl who couldn't sight read for anything become fairly good at it! I learned a lot of life lessons in his classroom and under his guidance. It was awesome for me to have him attend my senior recital! Thank you for always being a constant source of encouragement.

Dr. Mabry was my voice teacher from my Junior year in high school to my Senior year in college. Woah. He has taught me so many lessons in a musical sense, but in a life sense as well. I was a shy little soprano who was afraid to sing in front of anyone at the beginning of my journey at UTSA. Now, I'm a loud, confident soprano who loves to sing at every chance I get. He helped me get through Randy's death and helped me to get back up and keep going even when it was the hardest possible thing in the world to do. He always seems to know the right thing to say! Thank you for always encouraging me and pushing me  to do better-I always did do better. Meeting your challenges were some of my greatest accomplishments. This man helped me make the Texas All-State Choir and semi-final/final in the NATS competition each time I competed. Thank you for being the greatest voice teacher a girl could ask for.

Dr. Kelly was my theory teacher and 20th century analysis teacher at UTSA. This woman helped me go from knowing barely anything related to music theory to being able to successfully complete a matrix. Boo ya. She challenged me to do better and always took the time to make sure I understood EVERYTHING, which if you remember, took a long time. She made me confident enough to take that proficiency test that we all feared. I'd walk into her office probably every other day with questions, and she would patiently explain everything to me so that I understood. She taught me never to give up to study, study, study! She is awesome. She made me love theory-and that was an impossible task four years ago. My favorite memory is of her  calling me into her office after a voice lesson with Dr. Mabry (right across the hall) and saying, "Was that a D you sang in your lesson? That's intense, right on." Thanks for everything you do Dr. Kelly!

Notice how all of these teachers are music teachers? Now I'm about to student teach to be one of them! I really hope that I can make a difference in just one student's life the way that each of them have made on my life, as well as many others. I've had plenty of encouraging teachers and I will be forever grateful.

I also want to recognize two other teachers who mean the world to me: My sister and my best friend.

My sister, Amanda, is a second grade teacher a charter school here in San Antonio and has a very rough batch of kids. She really hates going to work and doesn't feel like she's doing a good enough job when she's teaching. She is an awesome teacher. She is an awesome woman. She's discouraged easily and I hope she never loses sight of her God given talent to teach. She taught me when I was growing up and she will continue to teach her children, as well as others. Although this is her last year teaching, she's going to rock at teaching her own kids. She's a brave woman and I'm so glad she's my sister. She's been a constant encouragement and example as to what kind of teacher I want to be. Love you Mandy :)

Last, but certainly not least, Kathryn :) She is an awesome teacher. We were students at UTSA together, one year apart. She graduated in December of 2011 and has almost completed her first year of teaching in Lincoln, Nebraska. I want to be in her class, haha. She tells me the stuff that she teachers her students, and I LOVE her classroom. This uncrafty gal has turned in to quite the crafter. She cares so much about her kids, even when they irritate her. She's a great example of what I want to be. I'm so glad she's made it this first year, not only in Nebraska, but as an awesome elementary music teacher. I'm so proud of you and all you've accomplished!

OK, that's all I have for now. Too many people to appreciate :) I'm so excited to had the opportunity to work with all of these wonderful teachers. I cannot wait to make a change in a student's life the way these men and women have changed mine. :) Yay teachers!!

Chipper

As most of you know, I am not a chipper person, nor have I really ever been. But, over the last week or so, something has changed. I have a spring in my step and a reason to smile.
I had been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately and feeling like I wasn't really doing anything worthy of praise-one of those weird moments that we all have.

I was also looking through older pictures and found some of me a few years back, when I was incredibly thin and fit and looked great. As you know, I'm not that girl anymore, haha. But, after reading this post, I realized that although I have some changes I need to make in myself in order to be healthier and feel better about myself, no one has the right to tell me I'm not good enough. Whether someone is saying I'm too fat or too thin, they don't have that right.

When I was thinner, weighing in at 118 pounds, I felt awesome! There is no denying that feeling of accomplishment when you get to your goal weight or even just getting in shape. I will never forget that feeling-it's actually what fuels me to get off my tush now and change some things. I went from being "heavy" (which today, I would rather be at the weight I was when I was "heavy") to too thin, according to my grandma. It's never good enough to the world or to society what you look like. If you're thin, your hair is wrong. If you're curvy or heavy, you're not thin enough. When is this battle ever going to stop? I say NOW.

I'm in the process of getting healthier for myself, not for anyone else. Yes, it will feel grand to fit into those smaller sized pants that I used to wear, but there is nothing wrong with the size I wear now. I'm not happy with where I am personally, but it's not to say that I'm not a grand person or have a successful life. Everyone is completely different. I have awesome thin friends and awesome heavy friends. Every body is different. Don't make someone else feel less about themselves because you don't want the same treatment. Encourage your friends and let them encourage you.

Don't let people make you feel ugly. Because, no matter what your weight is, you're beautiful. Period. 
As an incredibly negative person myself, I had to really read that last sentence before it sank in. I'm really great at making fun of or dissing myself. I haven't really noticed it as much until someone recently pointed that out to me. Confidence is one of the greatest traits to have. I think as women, we really need to work on that. Even if we need to lose or gain some pounds, be comfortable in your skin. It's your body, love it for what it is.
Also, if you are trying to lose or gain weight, go for it. Don't tell yourself you can't! You can do whatever you put your mind to. Fear is the biggest thing that stops us from doing what we wish.
There are some other reasons I've been chipper this week, but reading Brooke's post made me feel a little better. I've started working out again and I'm pleased. I have noticed that I'm less irritable and I have more energy.

One more thing! If you're feeling down or just need a pick-me-up, try St. John's Wort. I love this stuff. It's a natural mood enhancer. It also helps with muscle aches (oil). But, if you are going to take it, it can throw off the effect of your birth control and antidepressants if you take it on a regular basis. It also comes in a tea form. Try it out!

Atrocity

 I'm Emily and I'm 23 living in Texas. I grew up in the same house that I live in currently and I eat popcorn when I'm sad. These are pretty well known facts about me that most of my good friends know (maybe not the popcorn thing, but my family definitely is aware of that lovely gem). I'm a simple gal who keeps to herself mostly and avoids conflict. I do not care for confrontation-I never have. I'm the girl who usually stays away from all the political junk and religious conflict and keep my opinion to myself. But, I've had enough of sitting by watching the world decay.

 It seems that every day, there is a new source of evil attacking humanity. One of the obvious would be the bombing yesterday in Boston. I was at work, talking to a couple about their focus areas for their massage, when the guy burst out in anger that Boston had been bombed. My original thought was, oh that stinks, and then moved on. I didn't realize how upset about it I would be until I was able to go home and watch the news. Almost immediately, everyone was changing their Facebook status and profile pictures to "Pray for Boston." As I was watching the footage on CNN, my heart sank as I realized there will always be something evil attacking us. Thousands of people were on location. I know we haven't identified who set off the bombs, but to me, it matters the destruction they have caused. I can't even imagine that kind of trauma. What do we do now? I have no idea.

Then, today, a friend of mine posted a this story about Kermit Gosnell. This man is pure evil and I don't know how on earth I have not heard of this until now. Whether or not you agree with abortion, this is about murder of several children-not a battle over the right to abort.

Whether or not you believe it is okay to abort a child in your own mind, these children (seven found, but there may be more) were breathing and moving. They were alive. Their mothers gave birth to them and then this sick, evil man, took scissors and snipped their necks. They were murdered, not aborted.

I'm not okay with that. How on earth did this man get away with this?  How on earth are we just hearing about this? He's had an up and running "abortion" clinic for twenty years (17 years without an inspection by the Health Department). I can argue all day long about the fact that I don't agree with abortion, but this was past the "24 week mark"of legal abortion. Some babies were 30 weeks old when they were "aborted."

I am a huge fan of criminal shows, which are based on actual criminals, but this is unimaginable. This news article by the Post speaks on why we're just now hearing about this atrocity. The media hasn't been covering this story-why not? President Obama "cannot" make a comment or take a side on this matter.
THIS IS NOT THE ABOUT THE RIGHT TO ABORTION.
This is about a man, who is killing children. A man who is keeping their feet in jars in his office. A man who stuffs their bodies in freezers. I'm appalled. I don't care if you agree with my  statements, but don't expect me to be okay with this. As I've already stated, I do not agree with abortion, and I sure as hell don't agree with killing a child after they are delivered. After they're breathing. After they're screaming.

I know there are tons of good men and women in the world, but it seems like we only highlight the evil in the world. We need to stop pretending everything is dandy and alright and fight for what we believe in. I'm not saying we should picket abortion clinics and shun people who choose abortion, at all.

 I'm saying if you have an opinion, express it, don't just keep it in for yourself. If you believe something is right or wrong, stand up for your opinion. That is your right. Don't be an ignorant person who just decides to ignore it all or say you don't have an opinion. Be convicted by your beliefs without being crazy.
 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we must all respect the opinion of our peers, even when we don't agree.

My name is Emily and I'm a real woman who has a very real opinion.

The Beauty of Friendship

In my life, I've had a lot of friends, but only a few great friends. Thankfully, these friends are the ones who know my deepest secrets and quirks but still choose to be my friend. I know I can bring anything to them and they'll love me the same.

It's a known fact that I love Jesus. I frequently bring my bible to school and to work so I can study it. Some people poke fun at me and call me a bible thumper, but I've never really been hurt by the ignorant jabs people make about my faith and my love for Christ. I was reading through an old book that DC Talk wrote titles Jesus Freaks. This book reports different real life stories of Christians who have been persecuted for their faith. People have been beaten and killed for their undeniable faith.

Too many Christians forget (including me) the persecution and ridicule Jesus faced to fulfill God's prophecy. Also, I think we don't have a true understanding of what it means to follow Christ. It's hard for us to make time to do a bible study for 30 minutes every day-Jesus calls us His disciples. Disciples dropped everything to follow Christ. I'm sure that they spent more than 30 minutes with Jesus everyday.

I need to make it a daily priority to spend time with God. Hands down. Those are just the thoughts I'd share while waiting in a doctor's office.

By the way, Siri is not open for this conversation!

Finish What You Start

As you know, I posted earlier in the year that I was planning on switching universities and all that jazz because I hated UTSA and didn't want to graduate there, blah blah blah. Well, since then, I've been praying constantly about it and really thinking about what I want to do with my life. After posting about fear a couple weeks ago, I really started thinking... I don't really feel that passion to teach anymore and I know that for everyone it comes and goes, but I haven't felt it for a while. I also know that as much as I want to tackle Music Therapy, I should finish what I started at UTSA.

Finish. That's the scariest word ever. I'm more afraid of finishing a degree and having to be a grown up than switching universities and starting an entirely different program. I'm nervous about actually teaching in a classroom without being able to leave after about 2 hours as I did in observations. I'm terrified of the profession I chose back in 2008 due to all of the changes in the Education system here in Texas. I'm terrified that I won't be good at it when I actually am in the classroom. Learning to teach and teaching are two totally different things. I know it's silly to be afraid of something I've been trained to do for the last FIVE years, but I am terrified. I'm also terrified because of the stories I hear from current [music] teachers.

My mom called me out on it a few months ago. I got so defensive that I don't think we really talked for two days other than "hey", "thanks", "see ya later" and "night". I didn't want to admit that I was scared because I'm an independent girl who can conquer anything. Inside, I was shakin' in my boots. She was right. Mothers are always walkin' around just being right. Don't you hate that? You know they have the best intention when telling you what they think but you don't expect them to actually be right. She was right. I know she's reading this and chuckling, probably thinking, "when are you going to learn, I'm always right?" Love you, mother.

So, I have put the music therapy journey on hold and have decided to conquer what I started in 2008. I applied for Student Teaching and filled out all necessary paperwork. I attended the meeting, I've found dates for all of the tests I'll have to take and I have prepared myself mentally for the road I'm about to take. I'm scared--I admit it. I don't know if I'm more afraid that I don't know how it's going to go or whether or not the money put into college was worth it. I'm also terrified that there won't be many arts programs left after I graduate. Regardless, I'm finishing what I started and I'm proud of that choice. I'm scared (as I've said a million times) but I'm a strong woman who can conquer the world. I got this, right?

Commitment is doing what you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself...

I think it's incredibly unfortunate what kind of power your past has over you. No matter how far you've come and how much better of place you are in, your past can still whisper your name causing you to fall back into those old traps.

As I've said before, everyone has baggage. Whether it be something like someone stealing your pen in third grade or losing your parent to a disease, it has effected you. Everyone has different baggage-something you've been through may not be as "big" as someone else's problem, but it has still changed you. We become so used to being independent and not relying on those around us because we're afraid of losing someone or being hurt, but we push out all those who care about us when we do so.

When I was a Senior in High School, I was in the musical Annie. A friend of mine played the role of FDR and the thing I remember most about the entire musical was one line that he spoke-"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I'm reminded of these profound words so often in my life, that I feel I should just paint them on my wall. Fear is a nasty virus that is not only contagious, it is deadly. Fear stops us from doing not only the really hard things, but even the small stuff like saying hi to someone or  making eye contact with a stranger. It reminds us of the baggage we carry and causes us to feel so horrible, that we stick to ourselves so that there is no risk of someone else hurting us.

The thing about our past is that it will always be a part of us. We can never just cut it out of our lives. We can forgive, but forgetting is one of those tricky things. We may forget about something for a while but in an instant, it comes rushing back to remind us of the hell we've faced. Every time we fall back into the trap it sets for us, we lose. When we succumb to its power, we're selling ourselves short. We've already suffered the tragedies, why relive it every day?

Our past does not have to control our lives. A past is just that-it's in the past! You are still going to find beautiful things in the world that bring you happiness and love. When you fear everything, you're not giving yourself the wonderful opportunity of being happy. Remember the last time you were just so happy you couldn't help yourself-not the people you were with or the place you were at, just the feeling of happiness. Let that be the fuel for your fire. Happiness is worth a risk.

Don't live in fear, live in hope.

Book Club?

I love to read. Plain and simple.
Ever since I was old enough to read, I've enjoyed it. When I was younger, we had a Sega Saturn-which was cool. My mom had a rule though-for every hour of playing, we had to read for an hour. And, you couldn't use a bank of hours, haha. For instance, if I read for 4 hours today, she wouldn't just let me play for 4 hours straight. Point being, reading was an incentive which then became a hobby.

Maybe the love of reading resulted from the fact that we only ever had a Sega Saturn and that after it broke, we didn't have another video gaming option. Anyway, you get the point that I just love to read.
In high school I kind of forgot about my love of reading since we were required to read a lot of books that I didn't necessarily care for. But, once I cracked open my copy of 1984 by George Orwell, I was hooked.

I had never really thought about a book club until recently. This is going to a be a total geek Sim moment, but, in the Sims you're character can sign up for a book club--they receive a book every Wednesday and there you go! But, not only did the Sims encourage me, my dad did. A couple of weeks ago, I drove to Big Spring and got to see my family. My dad sent me home with three books and said it was a really good series and I should read it. He then said something about him being in a book club and that it was the best way to get books cheaper.

Also, Pandora (which I listen to every morning when I'm getting ready) always shoots the ad out that says, "the best place to start a book club is with the book So You Want to Start a Book Club?" I've made the decision that I want to start a book club. I love to read and I love to talk about books--yes, I'm a nerd. I'm okay with that.

I'm excited about my idea and I'm not sure where it's going, but, I'm going to start a book club. Go me.

One Day Road Trip

On Friday, my dad's grandmother Gordie passed away. She was 93 years old and lived a great long life. I was very eager to hear about the plans for the information about the service so that I could make arrangements. My dad and his entire family live in West Texas (Big Spring), so it would be great to see everyone and to celebrate her life.  My dad let me know on Sunday night that the funeral would be on Monday at 2. That was not what I was expecting, but I was off Monday, so I decided I would go. My mom made me go to bed at a decent hour so I wouldn't be falling asleep on the way there.

I left at 7:15 AM yesterday on my 4 1/2 - 5 hour drive to middle-of-nowhere Big Spring, Texas. Of course, I got some Starbucks before I left :) Coffee is a life saver. I made extremely good time at almost exactly 4 1/2 hours. I changed and met up with my family--I hadn't seen that side of the family for about a year (some even longer) and I was excited to fellowship with them. We all headed over to the funeral home to gather together before the service. My great grandmother looked so peaceful and it made me glad that she is in a better place. My grandma asked me to sing for the family, so I sang Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.  It's crazy, I've been singing in front of them for years and I still get nervous, especially yesterday.

After we all met at the funeral home, we went to the graveside for the service. It was very short and sweet (grandma said that's the way she would have wanted it). My dad, two uncles and my grandma sang Victory in Jesus and it was delightful. It's as if she was in the room celebrating her own life. It was so wonderful. Now, I don't have many memories of my great grandmother, but hearing everything about her, I wish I had more. She was an awesome woman and her faith in Christ is inspiring. Heaven was definitely celebrating because they got an awesome new member :) I'm so glad I was able to make it!

I then, drove back home after the funeral. NINE HOURS IN ONE DAY. It's not that big of a deal, but needless to say, I was tired when I got home. It was such a fabulous day. God has blessed me in so many ways, and I am awed in a new way every day.

Amazing grace,
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me?
I once was lost, but now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see. 

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed. 

My chains are gone, 
I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace. 

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word, my hope secures. 
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures. 

My chains are gone, 
I've been set free.
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow, 
The sun forbear to shine.
But God, who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine. 
You are forever mine. 

Week of Smoothies

After going to the grocery store to buy some necessary ingredients (most common) for smoothie making, I decided to get busy making smoothies. I've only made four this week...but that's pretty good, I think. I will post the recipes and opinions of all the smoothies I've tried below. Enjoy!

Weight Loss Smoothie:

• 1 Tbsp Chia Seeds
• 1 Scoop Whey Protein Powder
• 1/2 Medium Banana
• 3/4 C Almond Milk
• 3-5 Ice Cubes

I ended up using an entire banana because it wasn't sweet enough or thick enough. It still tasted a little mediocre, but it was alright. It wasn't very sweet and it had a weird texture. The chia seeds (if you're not used to drinking things with them included) have a very weird texture. But, over all, it was alright and I finished it! 

Banana Goodness:

• 1 Banana
• 1/2 C Frozen Raspberries
• 1/4 C Other Frozen Berries
• 2 Whole Strawberries
• 1/2 C Low Fat Vanilla Yogurt
• 1/2 C Ice (crushed) 

This smoothie was sooo much better than the previous. The yogurt thickened it up and made it a better consistency. The mix of berries was really good and refreshing. Just a tip--if you use ice...get it crushed from the refrigerator instead of crushing it in the blender...not a good idea. Also, cut the strawberries up before tossing them in. Again, this was really yummy. 

The Invigorator:

• 1 tsp Lime Juice
• 1 Tbsp Honey
• 1 Handful Spinach
• 1 Apple (red or green, doesn't matter)
• 1 Pear (medium sized)
• 1 1/2 C Ginger Tea 
• Boil 2 C water. 
• Grate 1 inch of ginger root
• Add grated ginger into boiling water
• Put a lid on top and let boil for 15 minutes
• COOL it before making smoothie
• Ice (as much as you need) 

This smoothie was pretty good. It had a weird texture too, but the taste was good. It was really sweet and I liked that. You could taste the pear and apple and there wasn't an overpowering taste of spinach. I would make it again. It filled me up and I wasn't hungry for like six more hours. Good stuff. 

Breakfast in One Smoothie:

• 1/4 C Quick Cook Oats (not instant)
• 1/4 C Nuts (I used pecans)
• 1 Ripe Banana 
• 1 C Frozen Fruit ( I used Blueberries)
• 2 1/2 Tbsp Low Fat Vanilla Yogurt
• 1 C Vanilla Almond Milk

Okay so I really did like this one, it just took a few sips to get used to the texture. The pecans made it a tad bit bitter but other than that it was pretty good. It didn't fill me up as much as the others so I made 2 eggs to go with it. Good breakfast for me! 

Of all four of these recipes, I definitely think the Raspberry Banana Goodness was the best. The Weight Loss Smoothie was the worst tasting, but it was the best for you in nutrients. Overall, I wasn't disappointed and had a good time! I would recommend that you try them, just for fun :)

Short Haired Woes

So, on my 101/1001 list, one of my biggest goals is to grow my hair out longer than I ever have. To me, long hair is to my collar bone. To girls with long hair, that's short. For my friends and family, it is not weird for me to grow my hair out and then chop it all off. To me, hair is hair and it will always grow back.

But...

I really want to grow it out. I miss all the things I could do with my hair and how if I was a lazy bum, I could just put it up in a ponytail. Most of all, I miss having my hair braided. The most I can french braid with this short bob is my bangs. Although, that's cute, it's not the same!

One tiny problem-my hair grows as fast as molasses. I do get it trimmed every couple of months so that it will grow faster, but, I need to just be patient. Obviously this virtue can be applied to all aspects of life, haha.

So this is just a boo-hoo post about how I'm sad I have short hair.
Dont' get me wrong, it takes me no time to get ready (hair wise), but I just miss the hair. Wish me luck. I can get bored of what my hair looks like in the growing phase and often chop it all off again. Hopefully, I can make it this time!

Smoothie Addiction

Jamba Juice.

I felt like that needed it's own line. A friend of mine, Allyce, told me about Jamba Juice a couple of months ago. I tried some fruity smoothie and I didn't think it was that great, so the next few times she asked if I wanted anything, I passed. Three days ago, I was driving around the shopping center I work at and decided to pull into Jamba Juice.

**You see, I have recently found my blender and decided I am most likely going to start making my own smoothies and juices (I am also getting a juicer). Not only do I want to make them because I want to be "healthier" but, it's cheaper to do it yourself than to spend money elsewhere. **


I went inside and decided I was going to try something I normally wouldn't. I tried the Apple N' Greens smoothie. Mind=blown. That smoothie was so incredibly delicious. I also got a free energy boost that has no caffeine. OH. EM. GEE. It was green. Usually, if something is a weird color, I'm not going to drink it. I took a baby sip because I was kind of afraid of what it would taste like. I found my soul mate :) (that sounds incredibly dramatic, but it was just that delicious).

I went back to Jamba Juice again that evening before work and then yesterday before bible study. I'm addicted. Therefore, I did some research and recipe searching and when I was at the grocery store today, I bought stuff to make my own smoothies because $5.72 a smoothie is TOO MUCH for this poor girl. I'm going to make a homemade smoothie in just a bit. Hopefully it's delicious. Even if it isn't, I'm going to post the recipe and pictures to prove I tried it. Without pictures, life is not validated.

Wish me luck! I'm being resourceful!
January is turning out to be pretty great so far.

New Year...

I have not blogged in almost two months. It feels a little strange finally posting something. I could write this post on all the unrealistic New Year's Resolutions I have, but that's just idiotic. But, as a start, I did change the layout and template of my blog :D

With the new year, a lot of things have changed. I will no longer be attending UTSA as a music education major. I will be going to SAC in the spring (hopefully) and then transfer to the University of Incarnate Word (fancy?) to get my bachelor's degree in Music Therapy. It's a major change and I'm kind of nervous...actually really nervous, but super excited.

Music therapy is a beautiful field and you should go look it up :)
It's not that music education isn't important, because it totally is. But, I have such a larger passion for this field than education. It's teaching in a different way. It's changing lives in a much more dynamic way. After meeting a music therapist last January, I became adamant on finding out more information.
UTSA doesn't offer the degree AND I don't want my degree to read UTSA on it. Some people love the school, I'm not one of them.
I have had issues with some aspect ever since I started back in 2008.

I will give more details when they are more solidified.

On to the resolutions and all that jazz:
I've decided to make more realistic resolutions than I normally do. I have a million to-do lists and I feel like it's time to actually finish one!

1. Write in my journal at least once a week.
2. Blog at least 4 times a month (I don't have a million followers, so just to keep it real)
3. Follow an average workout plan for at least 3 days a week. (I don't want to be like, INSANITY, because I'll do it for 5 days and then stop)
4. Say something nice to someone every day.
5. Spend time in God's word every day.
6. Be more Positive. (difficult).

So that's it folks. My resolutions are out there! I also want to continue fulfilling my 1001/101 list. I need to update that too. So, here is to 2013! *Clink*

Marathon Madness

This past Sunday was the Rock n Roll Marathon in San Antonio. A few people I knew were running in the marathon, but I didn't realize how big of a deal this marathon was until I got to work. I am a receptionist at Massage Envy, so I'm pretty used to seeing runners come in and get a massage after a race. When I got to work, there were quite a few people who had just taken part in this marathon who had thought ahead and made an appointment to get a massage. Then, the phone was ringing constantly with people who were looking for any open appointments for the same issues. I also looked on twitter and a few of my friends posted pictures of just how many people were downtown for the marathon. Woah. I thought to myself, that would be cool to take part in such an event.

The next day, I was hanging out with my mom watching TV when we decided it was the perfect time of day to take our two dogs for a walk. We both could lose a few and my dog, Samantha, is an overweight beagle--so there would be no harm done to anyone involved. :) We went around the "big block" surrounding our neighborhood and it took us about an hour. We weren't walking very quickly and it wasn't aimed at being a "brisk walk", but we got in some walking. After we got home, my mom called me into her office and told me that next year, we will be participating in the Rock n Roll marathon. At first, I was like...are you crazy?! and then I took a minute and decided that was a really good goal for us to set.

We haven't yet decided whether we will be participating in the full or half marathon. We have an entire year to train...but at the same time, we've never competed in any kind of race (except my very little amount of time invested in track back in high school), so the half may be the better choice. So, when I make the choice, I will let you know.

I told one of my friends that I was considering doing it and he told me he'd train with me, so I was pretty excited. Then, when I came to work last night, a couple more of my coworkers said that they would also train with me. So, now that I had a good amount of accountability partners, I was stoked. I haven't yet decided which training plan that I will follow, but I'm researching it now. I'm trying to find friends who really enjoy running and who could give me good and helpful tips for training. I don't want to jump into a crazy running schedule if it isn't something that's attainable, you know? So, I need someone who will give honest advice to me.

I've decided that no matter which I decide to do, half or full, that it is a commitment that I must stick with. Commitment means doing what you said you would do, long after the mood you said it in has left you. I'm hoping that since I've found a few good friends to do this with, that we can hold each other accountable.

So, for now, I'm simply researching training schedules. I'm pretty sure (since it only take 18-20 weeks to really train) I will start training to do the training schedule to then prepare me for the marathon, haha. Couch to marathon style! I am going on Friday to buy some running shoes. I am hoping that if I buy those shoes, that I will remind myself that it's worth it. Wish me luck! Feel free to check in on me and see how I'm doing. I will post about my progress. I'm excited. Nervous. But, excited.

One Day in the Dillard's Parking Lot...

Last week, I went to church for the first time in a long while. I couldn't put off going to church one more week. So, since it was daylight savings and all, I went to bed early and got up to go to the early bird service! I was pretty proud of myself.

Once I got to church, I sat about midway back. The music started to play and I was having a good time. Then, of course, the awkward church meet and greet took place. I'm already an awkward person so this made it much more awkward for me. I was ready to sit down and take notes! I did just that.

Although I believe that mission work is really important, I don't think we must go to a foreign place to do mission work. San Antonio has plenty of people to reach in the midst of our daily routines. Our purpose on earth is to do God's work in all that we do. The pastor kept asking, "what's your story?" It made me really think back to when I accepted Christ and how it happened. He also asked where we could share our stories. He wanted each of us to turn to our neighbor and tell them where our one place we knew we could share our story was...I just drew a blank. I sat there trying to figure out a place to say, but couldn't think of anything. Thankfully, no one turned to me.

Later that week, I was sitting at work (I'm a receptionist at a massage clinic) talking to a few coworkers and my story came up. I couldn't help but smile because obviously, God knew where I would be able to share my story. This is my story:

When I was a little girl, my grandparents would pick me up on the weekends and take me to church on Sundays with them. They lived 30 minutes away from my house in a small town with an even smaller baptist church. I went to Vacation Bible School every summer and loved going to church. When I was eight years old, I remember I stayed with my grandparents the entire week so I wouldn't miss VBS. Each night at worship, they'd have their invitation, but I just thought deciding that Jesus was my lord and savior would be something I'd have to ask my mother for permission for. So, I left VBS a non Christian. A short time after VBS had ended, my grandparents were going to take me home, but had to stop at the mall first, so Grandma could buy something at Dillard's.

It was pouring down rain, so Paw-Paw dropped her off at the door and we drove around and parked. He asked me what I thought of VBS. I remember telling him I thought VBS was really cool and that Jesus seemed like a cool guy. He told me more about Jesus while we waited for Grandma. I was so intrigued and so excited to hear more about him that I couldn't stop listening. When he asked me if I wanted to accept Jesus as my lord and savior, I told him I had to ask mom first. He assured me, she would be joyous about my decision. I decided he was probably right and I prayed the prayer right there with my Paw Paw while it was pouring down rain in the Dillard's parking lot.

That story seems silly, but it means so much to me. My paw-paw also had the chance to baptize me in our small baptist church, which is a really cool memory. He has been with me on this journey of faith since the beginning and to me, that's priceless. He shared his story with me 14 years ago that led me to make the best decision I've ever made. Woah.

It really made me proud to tell my story this week. I have many more stories of how my relationship with God and my faith in God have taken me to where I am today that I'm eager to share. I'm proud to be a child of God and a follower of Christ.

And if our God is for us,
then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us,
then what could stand against?

Marriage.

I've been thinking about marriage and my future a lot in the last few years, but more so in the last few months. I have not yet met "Mr. Right" and am not dating anyone, so this could, very well be a very naive and silly post. I am almost 23 years old and I am unmarried. I wish that were more common. I know so many of my close friends that are already married (some for quite some time) and I am single wondering if I'll ever meet that right man. 

Let me tell you, I do not share common thoughts with most of my friends about dating or marriage. I'm simply different. I am not a girl who has dreamed about my wedding day since I was 5. I didn't even really think about it until I was 19 or 20. I didn't know it was so common to dream up such a day at such a young age. "She's dreamed about this day ever since she was a little girl." Is that really true?! Sure, I liked dressing up and playing barbies...but I did not picture myself getting married to anyone other Ken. That may sound incredibly stupid, but, my brain didn't comprehend such a concept. Something could be wrong with me. 

Let's be real here. My parents were married twice (to each other) and divorced twice. By the time I was seven, they weren't married anymore, so for most of my life I was raised by my mother. My mom had to be both parents for a good long while. I didn't see a good example of what marriage was in my home growing up. I didn't even really see an example of love (other than a mother's love) until I was 12 when my mom met Randy. How could I dream of something I'd never knew was there? Sure, I had crushes on boys at school but, really...the kind of love I would dream about later was not anywhere in my mind. 

I grew up mainly without a father. I had father figures, but not my father. I didn't know how broken I was until I was "dating." I had built up a brick wall around my heart and all of those stories and experiences I had during my life were off limits. Those stories were saved for me, God and my best friend. There are things you don't want to share, especially when you don't have a foundation of trust. Building a wall is easy. Breaking it down is the hardest road you'll ever embark upon. I cried a lot. I was mean to a lot of people because of my own insecurities. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of said insecurities. I dated certain boys because of what I thought I wanted. 

I made a list of what I thought I wanted. I love when you think you're in control of your own life. I love that God can change your heart and your mind in a matter of seconds. After dating a guy for almost two years because he fit what I thought I wanted for the rest of my life, God opened my eyes. I almost instantly decided it wasn't a relationship I should be in and tried to play "fix it". I thought maybe if things changed we'd work out. That made it worse. 

God knows what is best for you. Listening is the hardest part. I'm apart of a generation that wants things now. No one wants to wait, they want to know where life is headed right this instant. 

God must have a really good sense of humor and an immense amount of patience. 

I threw away the list. I know there are certain things I need in a man but I can't expect a man to look a certain way, act a certain way and just "be" a certain way. There is no way that would ever be attainable. I know I need a man who loves Jesus more than me and that has a genuine heart. I know I need a man that understands what it means to serve me and I him. 

I don't find marriage to be about attraction (although we should have a chemistry) or about how well our personalities mesh. I find marriage to be a covenant before God to serve together and follow Him. I find marriage to be a companionship. 

Only God knows. 

Lazy. Just Plain Lazy

Today was my day off. I was quite excited, since I stayed up until 2 AM reading a book and watching the Five Year Engagement. I went to bed, thinking of what I would do today.
I began to make a list in my head which consisted of:

1. Finishing Laundry
2. Go to the store (we had NO food)
3. Make better choices when it came to food

I have not yet finished laundry. If only it were as easy as shoving EVERYTHING into the washer...but you have to separate stuff, obviously. I just now unpacked the rest of my clothes that were in the garage...such as my winter pajamas and jackets and all of my exercise clothes. Maybe now that I see my wide variety of cute workout clothes, I will work out more. Ha, if I say it enough, maybe it'll come true. So, maybe by the end of the evening, my laundry will be finished.

I did go to HEB today. I figured it was probably going to be busy because it was Halloween. I forgot that Halloween is not a national holiday where kids are out of school and adults don't work. People with real jobs, work normal hours. The parking lot was pretty full, but luckily, mostly smart people were shopping at my HEB today at 12:30. I was productive and made a list beforehand, otherwise, I'd walk all of the aisles and have a HUGE grocery bill.  I was pretty fast getting all of my items, until I got stuck on the bread aisle. There were guys unloading bread onto the shelves that were in my way, but it was all good, I knew exactly what type of bread I needed and where it was located. That would have been all fine and dandy if I was not stuck behind the family who had no idea what they wanted. I would have just turned the other way but this older lady (who had a lot of alcohol in her little scooter cart, not judging, just observing.) in her scooter cart was moving at the speed of molasses. I was stuck. I tried not to let it irritate me...but I was getting impatient. Other than that, my trip was pretty quick and easy. I checked out (and remembered to bring my reusable bags this time) and was ready to go home. I ALWAYS take my cart back when I'm done. Common courtesy. Why is it so hard to walk your cart like 2 feet to put it where it goes? There is a cart return station on every aisle...like 4 on every aisle. I got so irritated, haha. I am a lazy person sometimes, but it's not your house, put your stuff away!

I bought the BEST apples today at HEB. They were honey crisp apples. It was so crisp and juicy. I fell in love. Who needs chocolate cake when you can have that? I am in no way saying they are the same taste, but if I keep saying apples taste better, I'll eat more apples. This brings me to my trying to eat healthier point. I am reading a book titled Made to Crave. This book is all about how we, as humans, were made to crave. I crave food more than anything. Admitting that is very difficult for me, but it's true. I went from a size 8 (last November) to a size 14. That may not seem like a big jump, but it is. I'm not so much worried about what size pants I'm wearing, rather, how I feel in my own skin. I bought a lot of fruit and veggies today and instead of just swearing off all carbs, I bought 100% whole wheat stuff. We'll see how it goes. I don't want to crave food this much...

I have been extremely successful with weight loss before, but can never keep it off for prolonged amounts of time. I don't want to just go on a diet for three months or until I lose the weight. I want to change the way I think and feel about food. I want to turn to God when I'm sad, happy, mad, etc. Food does nothing for me except fulfill my physical desires and makes me gain weight. Not such a fun little thought, but it's true. I'm not in any way thinking this journey will be easy, but recently I've had to take a deep look into my life and realized I need to make some changes. One of the reasons I should stop eating so much is because it's expensive. The last 2 months, on my bank statement show A LOT of fast food charges. That's embarrassing. That's disgusting. I don't expect to be a super health freak, but I would like to feel good about how I eat and how I feel. I am being lazy in a different way.

Here is to no more laziness...or a lot less of it!

End of the Year Business

Tomorrow is Halloween.
Once Halloween hits, the rest of the year flies by so very quickly.
23 days until Thanksgiving.
43 days until my 23rd Birthday.
54 days until my best friend comes home!!
56 days until Christmas.

Woah. 2013, here we come.

Although Easter is my favorite holiday, I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. My mom's entire immediate family lives within thirty minutes of me, so I see them quite frequently, but it's so wonderful to have all of us together to EAT and enjoy each other's presence. (That was an extremely long sentence with way too many commas)
Every person makes their "signature dish" and there is an overload of food. Can I tell you just how excited I am to make green bean casserole, pink stuff AND apple pie? Also, my mother makes THE BEST mashed potatoes and deviled eggs. Be jealous. I would be if I had to miss out on all that awesomeness.

This post is not supposed to be about food, but I'm now craving Thanksgiving food.

Anyhow.
The reason I really love Thanksgiving is because it's the time of year when everyone gets sentimental and remembers what they're thankful for. Although we are able to be thankful year round, we use the one day of the year to really be thankful. It brings people back together and relationships are mended. I love it mostly for the fellowship with family and the annual Cowboys football game. I don't care if you're a fan of the Cowboys, just know that I am. I don't care if they lose more than they win--when you're a fan- it means through the good AND the bad.

My 23rd birthday. I feel like after you turn 21 and until you turn 30, you're kind of just acknowledging your birthdays rather than celebrating them. It's not a "milestone" so why get all excited?
My favorite part about birthdays is that my mother (who is my biggest fan) leaves me an opera style happy birthday message on my cell EVERY year. It started when I was a Freshman in college because I had to sing classically in school as a requirement and she found that humorous--therefore mocking me. That very first message became so popular that she does it for me every year. I know not to answer my phone on my birthday, because she cannot sing it if it's not a voicemail--she'll laugh too hard. It's the little things that make it worth while!
I share the same birthday as Frank Sinatra. I would like to attribute my talent to him--so thanks Mr. Oh-so-wonderful-jazz-musician. :)
The only not-so-great thing about my birthday being 13 days before Christmas is that when people give me gifts, they're combined with Christmas presents. (that sounds incredibly selfish, but it used to be a big deal). My sister has a birthday in September...I don't give her a joint present because that's just dumb. I never got a pool party, so give me a present for both, even if it's just a pencil. Something to acknowledge that I was born the same month as Jesus Christ. :-)
I'm really not that greedy, haha. Take that as you will.

Kathryn comes home in 54 days. That may seem creepy that I'm counting the days, but you don't understand. I saw Kathryn on a very frequent basis and these last three months have been incredibly difficult without her. I remember when she dropped me off at the airport and I was about to go to my gate and I lost it. I know I can call her any time and she'll be back and I can visit..but, it's not the same. I drive by her old subdivision and I almost always break down crying. She's my person. Boyfriends can come and go and normal friends are nice, but she's the one person I know I can tell everything to and she still wants to be around. When she comes back, we're going to see Les Miz!! WOOOOOO HOOOOO. Sorry, I'm really excited.
We always give each other the funniest gifts at Christmas. She knows I love Jesus, so she always buys me "Christian gifts" and is so proud when I love them. I always get her something with penguins, because she is obsessed with them. I wish I could give her tabogganning lessons for Christmas this year. Needless to say, I'm extremely excited for her to come home for like a week. :D

That brings us to my second favorite holiday. CHRISTMAS!
This holiday is very sentimental for me. I love church. It doesn't matter which church I go to for the annual Christmas Eve service, it's the fact that I can go anywhere and the same message is being preached. I love hearing about the birth of Christ, it's a beautiful story. I cry every time I hear it.
Also, every Christmas Eve, my mom, my sister and her husband (now my nephew :D) go to my house and open ONE present before bed. It's one of those traditions that you don't really know why you do it, but would be sad if you didn't. When we were kids, we could only pick the smallest present. Now, it doesn't matter because we're adults.
My favorite thing about Christmas (other than Jesus being born) is that feeling when you wake up and you rush out of bed and you're thinking "Oh my gosh, it's Christmas!"
I think of the scene from the original Yours, Mine and Ours when Philip runs through the house yelling "Santa Claus's been here." It's just exciting.
Even when Christmas isn't as "big" as normal, my family has a way of just being together and that being enough. That's my greatest joy.
Family.

People must think I'm strange. I see my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) more than twice a year. More like a million times a year. I can't even begin to think of how awful it would be to have to live more than thirty minutes away to see someone I love. I know people do it all the time and all, but, I love my family. When I was growing up and my single mother worked all the time to provide, the family just kind of came together and took care of us. It's not because they had to, it's because we're family, it's a natural reflex.
I'm so excited for the next couple of months because I get to see my entire family all together. I have incredibly blessed with the family I was given.
Even though I've faced many terrible experiences, the love of my family and of my God keeps me going constantly. I was given a perfect picture of love. We as a family are not perfect, but the imperfections make my life as close as it could be.
Let's end this year on a good note y'all :D
Get ready for the Christmas decorations and crazy shoppers...AND CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE RADIO!!

Cancer

In the last year, too many people that  I love have passed due to cancer. In September alone, I lost two very dear family members because of this disease. Cancer is everywhere and it is striking whoever and wherever it wants. To say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

On November 5th, we will be remembering a beloved man, Randy Clinton. He was such a blessing to me and my family. He was only in my life for ten years, but for those ten years, memories were created that I will never forget. From the bright yellow shirt that he wore to his bug eyed face that he made, he will never be forgotten. One post in my blog is not enough to contribute to this man. His love for life and for people, but mostly for God was incredibly inspiring. The way he loved me even though I wasn't his own gave me hope. I was a witness of what a real man, a good man, was. I miss something different about him almost every day, but I feel him in my heart.
One thing that Randy said during his battle with cancer was that if God's purpose for his life had already been fulfilled, then he was ready to be with God-to go home. That's something I have not yet been able to grasp. It makes sense, of course, but I'm a selfish woman. I don't like letting go, I don't like saying goodbye. I hate the fact that I put up so much resistance when he started dating my mother. I hate the fact that it took me so long to see how good of a man he really was. I love the fact that he never stopped caring about me or loving me, even when I didn't want it, when I was trying to be a hardass.

I had never seen my mother happier, even when they were irritated with each other, it was always better than the memories of her without Randy. He brought out the best in her, and the most humorous version of her. She became a different person to me. I was finally able to really see the blessings bestowed upon me. For once in my life, she finally got to be just the mother, not the father too. I remember the day they got married--it was a very scary day for me. I grew up without a father figure, really, and I didn't want to admit that I needed one. We were always giving each other a hard time, but, he was everything I never had but always wanted. What I always needed.

It's a weird feeling to think he's been gone for an entire year. I can't wait until we meet again.

Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover

We've all heard this a million times, "It's not what's on the outside that matters." I've never truly paid attention to that phrase until recently. Sure, we all do it. We people watch. Why else do you think People of Walmart is such a great success? Instant judgement at the ready. I had gotten into the habit of simply looking at other people and ruling them out as ugly, losers, too pretty, d-bag, etc.

It's a terrible habit. But, we all do it.
Whether or not you're aware of it, you judge people the instant you see them.
Why?
We are insecure about ourselves.
BINGO.

I went out with a few people last night and I really realized how often I make assumptions about people--their motives, looks, attitudes, etc. I took a step back and decided to really try not to assume things about other people. I took myself out of the driver's seat, I gave up my control. It was awesome. When you let your guard down, you really do benefit, for the most part. You allow other people to get to know you and it's a beautiful thing. That sounds really corny, but, life is too short to have a personal vendetta against the world.

A friend of mine sent me a text that I really needed to read:
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."

Woah. Those are the most powerful words I've heard in a long time. I get angry because I have never received apologies for what people have said or done to hurt me, but I'm not hurting them by holding a grudge, I'm hurting myself. It's not an easy thing to just get over those things, but, it's okay to be down in the slumps sometimes, rather than just being angry all the time. 

Like I've said many times before, no one is perfect. That's a really hard concept to grasp. When you look in the mirror and critique yourself, hatred comes out in its purest form. It's easy to pull yourself apart. But, when others complain that their clothes are too tight, you pull ever beautiful compliment you can muster up from the depth of your heart. Why is it so much easier to compliment others, when you deserve the compliments as well? 

I have a goal on my 101/1001 list to make a list of 20 things I like about myself and post them on my mirror so I can see them every day when getting ready. I'm addicted to colorful pens and sticky notes, so I'm going to attack that task tomorrow. Maybe, if you read and repeat something every day, you'll really start believing it. I will let you know how that works out for me! 

The risk of letting your guard down is worth it for the few good outcomes that may happen. If you get knocked down, just get back up again. 

It's worth making mistakes to better your life. Mistakes only happen once, if they happen frequently, they're choices. You know what is good for you and what is not good for you. You can't control everything. So, let someone else take control/lead for a change. 

Perfect

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.

You're so mean, 
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.

So complicated, 
Look happy, You'll make it! 
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/pink-perfect-lyrics.html ]
Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.

The whole world stares so I swallow the fear, 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line and we try, try, try, 
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.