Atrocity

 I'm Emily and I'm 23 living in Texas. I grew up in the same house that I live in currently and I eat popcorn when I'm sad. These are pretty well known facts about me that most of my good friends know (maybe not the popcorn thing, but my family definitely is aware of that lovely gem). I'm a simple gal who keeps to herself mostly and avoids conflict. I do not care for confrontation-I never have. I'm the girl who usually stays away from all the political junk and religious conflict and keep my opinion to myself. But, I've had enough of sitting by watching the world decay.

 It seems that every day, there is a new source of evil attacking humanity. One of the obvious would be the bombing yesterday in Boston. I was at work, talking to a couple about their focus areas for their massage, when the guy burst out in anger that Boston had been bombed. My original thought was, oh that stinks, and then moved on. I didn't realize how upset about it I would be until I was able to go home and watch the news. Almost immediately, everyone was changing their Facebook status and profile pictures to "Pray for Boston." As I was watching the footage on CNN, my heart sank as I realized there will always be something evil attacking us. Thousands of people were on location. I know we haven't identified who set off the bombs, but to me, it matters the destruction they have caused. I can't even imagine that kind of trauma. What do we do now? I have no idea.

Then, today, a friend of mine posted a this story about Kermit Gosnell. This man is pure evil and I don't know how on earth I have not heard of this until now. Whether or not you agree with abortion, this is about murder of several children-not a battle over the right to abort.

Whether or not you believe it is okay to abort a child in your own mind, these children (seven found, but there may be more) were breathing and moving. They were alive. Their mothers gave birth to them and then this sick, evil man, took scissors and snipped their necks. They were murdered, not aborted.

I'm not okay with that. How on earth did this man get away with this?  How on earth are we just hearing about this? He's had an up and running "abortion" clinic for twenty years (17 years without an inspection by the Health Department). I can argue all day long about the fact that I don't agree with abortion, but this was past the "24 week mark"of legal abortion. Some babies were 30 weeks old when they were "aborted."

I am a huge fan of criminal shows, which are based on actual criminals, but this is unimaginable. This news article by the Post speaks on why we're just now hearing about this atrocity. The media hasn't been covering this story-why not? President Obama "cannot" make a comment or take a side on this matter.
THIS IS NOT THE ABOUT THE RIGHT TO ABORTION.
This is about a man, who is killing children. A man who is keeping their feet in jars in his office. A man who stuffs their bodies in freezers. I'm appalled. I don't care if you agree with my  statements, but don't expect me to be okay with this. As I've already stated, I do not agree with abortion, and I sure as hell don't agree with killing a child after they are delivered. After they're breathing. After they're screaming.

I know there are tons of good men and women in the world, but it seems like we only highlight the evil in the world. We need to stop pretending everything is dandy and alright and fight for what we believe in. I'm not saying we should picket abortion clinics and shun people who choose abortion, at all.

 I'm saying if you have an opinion, express it, don't just keep it in for yourself. If you believe something is right or wrong, stand up for your opinion. That is your right. Don't be an ignorant person who just decides to ignore it all or say you don't have an opinion. Be convicted by your beliefs without being crazy.
 Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but we must all respect the opinion of our peers, even when we don't agree.

My name is Emily and I'm a real woman who has a very real opinion.

Finish What You Start

As you know, I posted earlier in the year that I was planning on switching universities and all that jazz because I hated UTSA and didn't want to graduate there, blah blah blah. Well, since then, I've been praying constantly about it and really thinking about what I want to do with my life. After posting about fear a couple weeks ago, I really started thinking... I don't really feel that passion to teach anymore and I know that for everyone it comes and goes, but I haven't felt it for a while. I also know that as much as I want to tackle Music Therapy, I should finish what I started at UTSA.

Finish. That's the scariest word ever. I'm more afraid of finishing a degree and having to be a grown up than switching universities and starting an entirely different program. I'm nervous about actually teaching in a classroom without being able to leave after about 2 hours as I did in observations. I'm terrified of the profession I chose back in 2008 due to all of the changes in the Education system here in Texas. I'm terrified that I won't be good at it when I actually am in the classroom. Learning to teach and teaching are two totally different things. I know it's silly to be afraid of something I've been trained to do for the last FIVE years, but I am terrified. I'm also terrified because of the stories I hear from current [music] teachers.

My mom called me out on it a few months ago. I got so defensive that I don't think we really talked for two days other than "hey", "thanks", "see ya later" and "night". I didn't want to admit that I was scared because I'm an independent girl who can conquer anything. Inside, I was shakin' in my boots. She was right. Mothers are always walkin' around just being right. Don't you hate that? You know they have the best intention when telling you what they think but you don't expect them to actually be right. She was right. I know she's reading this and chuckling, probably thinking, "when are you going to learn, I'm always right?" Love you, mother.

So, I have put the music therapy journey on hold and have decided to conquer what I started in 2008. I applied for Student Teaching and filled out all necessary paperwork. I attended the meeting, I've found dates for all of the tests I'll have to take and I have prepared myself mentally for the road I'm about to take. I'm scared--I admit it. I don't know if I'm more afraid that I don't know how it's going to go or whether or not the money put into college was worth it. I'm also terrified that there won't be many arts programs left after I graduate. Regardless, I'm finishing what I started and I'm proud of that choice. I'm scared (as I've said a million times) but I'm a strong woman who can conquer the world. I got this, right?

Commitment is doing what you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.

Cancer

In the last year, too many people that  I love have passed due to cancer. In September alone, I lost two very dear family members because of this disease. Cancer is everywhere and it is striking whoever and wherever it wants. To say that I'm frustrated is an understatement.

On November 5th, we will be remembering a beloved man, Randy Clinton. He was such a blessing to me and my family. He was only in my life for ten years, but for those ten years, memories were created that I will never forget. From the bright yellow shirt that he wore to his bug eyed face that he made, he will never be forgotten. One post in my blog is not enough to contribute to this man. His love for life and for people, but mostly for God was incredibly inspiring. The way he loved me even though I wasn't his own gave me hope. I was a witness of what a real man, a good man, was. I miss something different about him almost every day, but I feel him in my heart.
One thing that Randy said during his battle with cancer was that if God's purpose for his life had already been fulfilled, then he was ready to be with God-to go home. That's something I have not yet been able to grasp. It makes sense, of course, but I'm a selfish woman. I don't like letting go, I don't like saying goodbye. I hate the fact that I put up so much resistance when he started dating my mother. I hate the fact that it took me so long to see how good of a man he really was. I love the fact that he never stopped caring about me or loving me, even when I didn't want it, when I was trying to be a hardass.

I had never seen my mother happier, even when they were irritated with each other, it was always better than the memories of her without Randy. He brought out the best in her, and the most humorous version of her. She became a different person to me. I was finally able to really see the blessings bestowed upon me. For once in my life, she finally got to be just the mother, not the father too. I remember the day they got married--it was a very scary day for me. I grew up without a father figure, really, and I didn't want to admit that I needed one. We were always giving each other a hard time, but, he was everything I never had but always wanted. What I always needed.

It's a weird feeling to think he's been gone for an entire year. I can't wait until we meet again.

Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover

We've all heard this a million times, "It's not what's on the outside that matters." I've never truly paid attention to that phrase until recently. Sure, we all do it. We people watch. Why else do you think People of Walmart is such a great success? Instant judgement at the ready. I had gotten into the habit of simply looking at other people and ruling them out as ugly, losers, too pretty, d-bag, etc.

It's a terrible habit. But, we all do it.
Whether or not you're aware of it, you judge people the instant you see them.
Why?
We are insecure about ourselves.
BINGO.

I went out with a few people last night and I really realized how often I make assumptions about people--their motives, looks, attitudes, etc. I took a step back and decided to really try not to assume things about other people. I took myself out of the driver's seat, I gave up my control. It was awesome. When you let your guard down, you really do benefit, for the most part. You allow other people to get to know you and it's a beautiful thing. That sounds really corny, but, life is too short to have a personal vendetta against the world.

A friend of mine sent me a text that I really needed to read:
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."

Woah. Those are the most powerful words I've heard in a long time. I get angry because I have never received apologies for what people have said or done to hurt me, but I'm not hurting them by holding a grudge, I'm hurting myself. It's not an easy thing to just get over those things, but, it's okay to be down in the slumps sometimes, rather than just being angry all the time. 

Like I've said many times before, no one is perfect. That's a really hard concept to grasp. When you look in the mirror and critique yourself, hatred comes out in its purest form. It's easy to pull yourself apart. But, when others complain that their clothes are too tight, you pull ever beautiful compliment you can muster up from the depth of your heart. Why is it so much easier to compliment others, when you deserve the compliments as well? 

I have a goal on my 101/1001 list to make a list of 20 things I like about myself and post them on my mirror so I can see them every day when getting ready. I'm addicted to colorful pens and sticky notes, so I'm going to attack that task tomorrow. Maybe, if you read and repeat something every day, you'll really start believing it. I will let you know how that works out for me! 

The risk of letting your guard down is worth it for the few good outcomes that may happen. If you get knocked down, just get back up again. 

It's worth making mistakes to better your life. Mistakes only happen once, if they happen frequently, they're choices. You know what is good for you and what is not good for you. You can't control everything. So, let someone else take control/lead for a change. 

Perfect

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss "no way, it's all good", It didn't slow me down
Mistaken, Always second guessing
Under estimated, Look, I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.

You're so mean, 
When you talk, About yourself, You are wrong.
Change the voices, In your head
Make them like you Instead.

So complicated, 
Look happy, You'll make it! 
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/pink-perfect-lyrics.html ]
Oh, Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.

The whole world stares so I swallow the fear, 
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer.
So cool in line and we try, try, try, 
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
We change ourselves and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
(Why do I do that?)

Pretty, pretty please
Don't you ever, ever feel
Like your less than, less than' perfect.
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You're perfect to me.

Confidence is a Must

My entire life, I've had trouble with being confident outside of my group of close friends. Once I get to know people, I'm a very confident gal who can hold her own...but in new situations, I am the one waiting to be talked to, all awkward. I find this really funny since I've worked in retail for a good while.

Example of my awkwardness. My mother and sister LOVE to call me out on this too. When ordering food at a restaurant, I usually go last out of whoever I'm with, because I like to let the other people go first (and because sometimes I change my mind on what I want to eat after everyone else orders). When the waiter turns to me and looks at me and asks, "and for you?"I look at them and say "I'll have,"...then almost immediately stare down at the menu and read what I want. It's not because I have forgotten the name of what I want, it's because I am a very awkward person. I've been working on it for a while, haha.

I realized just how unconfident I am in myself on Tuesday when I was in my bible study fellowship group discussion. Each week, there is homework to be done for the lesson provided. During the discussion group, you go over the thoughts on the answers and such. I am an awesome homework answerer as in I write a lot, probably too much. But, when the leader asks if anyone found anything interesting, I keep quiet until she calls on me because no one else has answered. Then, I frantically look at the page and try to answer, like I don't know what I put.

I am always afraid of what others will think of my answers, but as I was doing the homework tonight, I realized, I shouldn't care what other people think. We're going over creation theories this week and I know what I believe and am allowed to have an opinion. I can also appreciate the opinions of others, without diminishing my own.

I admire confidence and others. I think it's a must have in interviews, on dates and especially when performing. I judge others for not being confident in themselves, so I should be confident, right?

Goal for October=be confident.

What makes you feel confident and not arrogant? There is a fine line, right? Thoughts? Go.

Old Friends, New Conversations

Last night, I went to Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) with my mom and my sister. We are studying Genesis for the entire school year. It's pretty cool, to me. The speaker was talking about crucial conversations that you will have in your life and how to deal with them. Now, the crucial conversation she was talking about was the conversation about creation. Everyone has their very opinionated views on how the Earth was created, but thankfully, that's not what I'm writing about today. Whew, move on.

But it did make me think of the other crucial conversations that will come up in the next few years and with various people. I think one of the biggest crucial conversations that will ever happen is the life story exchange between two people interested in dating/marrying each other. There is a really funny episode of How I Met Your Mother that I thought nailed this.

Baggage.

Everyone has some type of baggage going into a relationship. You never know when the right time is to share yours. All at once? Little by little? It's a conversation I've been afraid of my entire "dating" life. I was chatting with an old friend about this subject and he reminded me that when it's "the one" the baggage isn't going to break the relationship. I know that's an obvious answer, but...it doesn't click in your brain the first time you hear it.

Until I find Mr. Right, I'm going to keep on living as Emily. Yeah, I've got some baggage and some issues, but who doesn't? If people can't handle it, then, no big deal.

There is still not a perfect time in a dating period to have the crucial life story swap conversation, but, face it--it has to happen. Don't flip out about it. Be cool. Their biggest issue  may be that a girl broke his pencil in the fourth grade. No two people have the same issues. Work to understand instead of judge or be freaked out.

September 11-Remembering the Tragedy

Last night, I was watching TV and a few 9/11 specials came on--the ones that come on every year, but are just as effective each year as they were the first year they were broadcast. It made me really think about this day 11 years ago. Where was I when the world stopped turning?

11 years ago, I was in sixth grade at Zachary Middle School sitting in Ms. Gray's History class. I remember walking in and taking my seat. Something that day was different. Ms. Gray was white faced and not as excited to see our class as normal. As soon as the bell rang, I remember another teacher came into our room and told her to turn on CNN. All of our 11 year old eyes were watching the first tower falling over and over again. There were some kids crying and some kids just scared to death. I remember a whole bunch of the students were picked up early that day. I wasn't--I was at school the whole day, watching the second tower being hit and then the Pentagon. I remember thinking we were in trouble and I just didn't understand why such a tragic event was happening.

I walked home alone that day. I walked really fast because I was scared and wanted to go home and see my mom. When I got home, my mom had CNN on and I gave her a big hug. Amanda came home and we all watched TV for a long time. They kept saying "terrorists" attacked. I couldn't grasp what that meant and why anyone would do that to our country. To our people. I kept singing Amazing Grace and I prayed that God would help all of those people who were hurt. I also prayed for peace for the families that lost their mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, husbands, etc. in this ugly act.

I personally did not have any family members that were there on that day, but I remember friends who did. I cannot even imagine the pain and heartache of the families who lost loved ones that day.

There was also a spike in the number of people joining the military after 9/11. I have many friends from High School  who joined the military, which to me, is incredibly brave. I don't think I could ever be that girl, I'm not brave enough. Those in the military are a blessing to our country. We are protected by their bravery and their love for America.

I pray that the families of those lost have found peace or do find peace. I pray that we never forget the bravery and the love of those who came together on that day. I am thankful for all of those who responded that day. I am thankful for the love and courage shown by our country afterwards. I pray that each man and woman currently serving in the military knows just how important they are to our country. We are Americans. God Bless America.

I will never forget. I am proud to be an American. I love this country. Thank you to all of the men and woman who have made life so possible. Thank you for showing your love. You will always be remembered.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed at the twilights last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,

O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there,

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave,

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 

Real Women

I've been thinking on what to blog about for the last couple of days and I have been struck with lame ideas and who knows, this post may just be a fluke, but here we are. I was at Target today waiting for Amanda and Chris to pick me up (we were meeting there so that we could go to the family reunion together). I looked in the movie section to see if there were any movies I just had to have...and there were. They had a really good deal today, I bought six movies (good ones) for $30. I bought Step Mom, Twister (the one that has made me afraid of all storms), Miss Congeniality, Hope Floats, Walk the Line and The Other Woman. I had never seen the Other Woman and Natalie Portman was in it, so I decided to get it. I figured, if I didn't like it, I would send it to Kathryn since she loves Natalie Portman.

Tonight, I popped it into my DVD player and decided to give it a shot. It was such a great movie. In no way am I condoning cheating by any means, but it was such a different type of movie, but so good. Real. Not that "the other woman" should really matter right? I don't think that's true. She's still a person. Yes, she shouldn't have slept with your guy, but she did and this movie is about what happens after. Every woman wishes that the other woman would be unhappy, but, it's not like once they get married that they're going to live happily ever after anyway. It was hard to watch because it was so raw and so real.

It made me think, real women have issues. No real woman is perfect, ever. Sorry guys, that's the truth of the matter. I'm not saying that cheating is right, because I despise cheaters, but, we cannot judge others for sinning differently than we do. My mom shared that with me one night and it struck deep. Just a thought. It really made me stop and think about how I judge others and why--because they do things that I think are wrong. BAM.

Back to women. We're not perfect.

Take me, for example. I have had a very interesting life that has molded me shaped me into the woman I am today. My mom and dad divorced when I was a kid and then both of my parents remarried. I didn't have a relationship with my father, really, until I was 20 years old. I grew up in a single parent home until I was 16. I didn't have fancy clothes and I didn't go to church every Sunday. I had some really rough relationships and not so good friendships throughout high school. I have trust issues and can't make eye contact with very many people. I'm weird. Not perfect. All of my close friends have told me that I have such a kind heart and am a beautiful girl. Why is it so hard to believe people when they tell you those things? Because you don't believe it. Women are their own worst critics.
Period. End of story.

Who wants to be perfect? Everyone. Why? I have no idea, because, perfect is pretty boring, if you ask me. That's why we spend our entire lives striving to be perfect, because it isn't attainable. Jesus is the only perfect thing that has ever walked the earth. Everyone can always work on who they are and strive to be a better person, but until you realize no one can be perfect, you'll kill yourself trying.

I'm a real woman who has issues. Yes, they are a work in progress, every day of my life, but I'm a real woman. The world can just get over it and move on.

Don't judge others because they sin differently than you. Best advice I've ever heard.
Here's to being real.